in a big dumb circle

i’m out of cigarettes which is half bad and half good, considering i picked up the pack during godot. i dunno if i wana start again or not. i prolly will, but if i care at all i won’t. it could go either way.

it’s pretty clear now i suppose. one left after christmas. i guess he’d had a tatse and decided that i wasn’t quite what he wanted, which is fine. so now i’m here. tomorrow is hch at kris and kay’s and hopefully there’ll be a few drinks. she doesn’t wana drink there tho, so we’ll leave early and come back here. she’s super excited. to me.. i think it’s just another night, but i will have fun. i mean hell. it’s kayleigh. wtf mate?

i saw joey today. it surprised me. i think he saw me too. he looked pretty much the same. he works at costco pushing carts. i didn’t know whether or not to say hi and try to talk to him so i ignored him. i wonder if he’ll tell john. i haven’t seen john except for a glance (and even then, i don’t know for sure if it was him). i’m wondering if would alright to become friends with him again, but i know steph would freak and it prolly would just hurt me? maybe? that’s what she says. i don’t know. when i think about him, i miss his friendship and only that.. but if what happened happened, then there’s nothing to prevent him from doing it again. i see the danger but yea.

anyway, i’m in danger with one guy, not good enough for another, and i’m still waiting. sean and i were supposed to go job hunting tomorrow for him but now he says he’s going to his dad’s so i dunno what i’ll do now. i have the car all day so hrm. maybe i’ll go to a park and just pretend i’m alive. or go to jem’s and drink and get hit some more.

life is so strange these days.

~lenore