i’ll never glow the way that you glow

i thought i was done with crying. am i so stupid to try and deny everything? all he did was upset me and worry me and make me wonder what the hell was going on in life. but at the same time he made me smile and laugh and always would tal to me, if only briefly. so many things went wrong but then again so many felt right and good. i can’t figure out if it’s even right to hope anymore. i don’t have him to call, but he says i can. no more letters written to express how i feel about anything, but he says that’s fine too. is it really fine? is he just talking to make any guilt he may have ease away?

i can’t believe he’d hurt me willing or knowingly and lying about this would hurt far worse.. but it’s never worked for me. people think that i’m so funny and outgoing that i have the easiest time doing what i want. i’m not strong, i cry, sometimes when there’s nothing to cry about. i’m such a weak and shallow and deep and respectful and naive girl. i’ll never be able to have the confidence i need to succeed or the outward appearance i should have or the type of friends who’ll hold your hair back while you puke.

i’ve been sent on my merry way to find my happiness and comfort and stability but no one understands how lost and unprepared i am. no one gets that i am nervous and shy at times. i can’t think or concentrate and i’m always perpetually standing in the shadows while others mingle. i become upset and wait for the girls to bug me and they never notice. not that i want to make a spectacle of myself, but to never be heard when i hit my head and wail into the water.. it seems like things will always go on this way. i’ll find someone good and they leave because something’s wrong with me and they think i’m sensitive so they try to hold me up with words. i’m not sensitive. i’m just scared! plain fucking scared!

maybe i’m not so far off when i say that i’ll never get married. i have too much emotional and mental baggage to ever appease someone. i’m a simple girl who can’t make sense of anything. i’m far away from everyone, lonely and held back.

i’m going for a walk. i know it’s late. i’ll be wary.

~lenore