hiring

so now my confusion is coming back. i feel like i haven’t heard from the cap’n in days ( little over 24 hours in actuality) and i feel horribly left out. the fears of him screwing me over like the hunter run rampant. i’m afraid, not that he’s being gooey with her, but that he’ll fall into monotony and it’ll happen that way.

but to tell you the truth i’m fucking sick of it. i can’t do this and that and i can’t smoke cigarettes and i have to watch what i say and i can’t call and i’m just about sick of it. but what can i do, other than break promises and leave? nothing. i feel i have no say in this relationship, but i also feel trapped in it by all the work i put into it with no reciprocity and barely an awknowledgement. am i expected to give up my dreams? what if he asked me to quit school to babysit his kid while he and she ran off for the weekend. it pisses me off to think he’d do that, but hey, why not, right? every guy does it, ‘boys will be boys LOL!!!11’

FUCK THAT. being around nita had opened my eyes to some things. her and her steel and her own heartbreak, dealt with anger. but she’s a good person, regardless of the anger and demands. it makes her the good person she is. i always thought that anger equalled ugliness (daddie), but now i’m starting to see where the bitchy part leaves off and the standing up for yourself, not letting people talk to you like shit part takes over. i am my mother’s daughter and was raised as subservient as possible which is why the Moore house occured. it stole pieces of me away that i hadn’t realized were affected. when did stupid things to pass the time become nervous habits? when did i lose sight of the pews drapped with color and the playset outside in the sun? a long time ago.

i think i have to write that email now.

~debbi