disorder

lost ten. plus headache. minus one tab of the orange-y creme looking pill. next week i’m dropping to one of those and halving the white one. i think that also accounts for my mood, plus the game, plus my shity sleep schedule.

i went to the mall at about 7.5 bc pete said he usually showed up there around that time before his lesson. too bad he didn’t come until just before his lesson which starts at 8.5 which means i just wasted a buncha time there. doing nothing, i walked around some. watched people. got a coffee frap. smoked *quite* a bit. called steph to see if we were helping marcus move tomorrow but she hadn’t heard anything so she assumes not. when i drove home, i tried listening to the radio, but there wasn’t good music on Z or WEBN (X’s music wasn’t coming in well. it was super quiet and the music was drowing out the words. i think they were having technical issues bc it’s only ever been fuzzy before due to area issues) so i listened o my tape that i *luckily* had with me. i fast-forwarded the bsb song and it came to alanis. i just listened and didn’t sing along until the end of it.

i sang along with most of the eminem song and then the queen of the damned one. when hot patootie came on, i sang along with all of it and it made me feel better than i had in a few days. not the super good feeling i can get every once in awhile, but better. i turned off the tape and got the mail. no letter. so it should come tomorrow, right?

well, now since nick’s noticed a difference and i know that i have, maybe dr. broderick’s right. maybe i do have to take this medicine he’s got me on forever. he said it’s a low dosage so it shouldn’t be bad. i just keep remembering mike *no! medicine is bad!* and how i looked it up and all the treatment seemed for severe cases. what if I’M a severe case? what if i really do have to take it forever and if i stop then it messes things up for me? i don’t want to mess things up but i also don’t want to have to pay for this my whole life. what if i can’t get insurance like steph? what if nick (or whomever) doesn’t want to have to pay for them? what if i run out of monies and i have to quit cold and i snap? my dependency on these things are bad and so my weaning away from them is ultimately good, but at what cost? my newfound *glory* life?

i honestly don’t know. i usually know what i want, although i may fuss about for awhile, in the back of my mind and work towards it. now, with the struggling with nick and my second guessing and the struggling with writing, even just letters let alone pieces for the blue_popple.. what am i doing? am i harming myself, unintentionally?

i wish there was some sort of checklist or sommin..

~debbi