bumper cars and shooting stars

and so, with first contact, i am beginning to doubt. the email was very pointed and very carfeully worded, so as to make me believe he still wants me around. and part of me wanted to respond with an apology and a swear that i won’t do it again..

but luckily, i didn’t. i just deleted it after i read it through a few times. maybe it’s out of spite that i didn’t keep it, but i kept all of the hunter’s stuff and look where it got me O_o

so now it’s up to me and my courage. yes, i am a needy girl, partially because i’m impatient, partially because of how i’ve been treated abused in the past, but the fact remains that for a stable and confident frame of mind, i cannot worry about how he is deceiving me, whether it’s little fibs or boldfaced lies. it bothers me that he called kelly on new year’s, mostly because he was hiding how involved she was/is.

but more important than how i feel is what it’s doing to everyone else in my life. i’ve been so wrapped up in him and trying to secure myself a place in his heart that i let the rest of me get away. look at me. no musik. no acting. no crew. no partiees, no drinks, not even going out with friends or classmates. i quit visiting my family and paid no attention to my sisters, who have always been there for me. and my poor mother. i know she loves me, even though she picks on me and is constantly on me. i was just so.. busy, with all these things that should come second in comparison.

so now i have a tremendous work set out for me to do. i have to tell the captain i must resign to a lower position or quit altogether. i have to remember my flower and all the hope she has for me and what i can do. i can be such an influence, if only steered in the right direction.

but which direction is right? i’ve wanted to be the teacher since i was little, but maybe i’m meant for something else. there’s always the possibility that i’m being called, but i don’t know for sure and the only things i know i can do well are those that i am confident in. i wish there was a script somewhere that i could cheat off of and look at what the best possible outcome is for me.

no luck there. do i think that this ordeal with the captain will work? no idea. he could become overly jealous and cut me out, but i don’t think he’ll do that. the way he talks about how i make him feel convinces me.. but i know that if i continue to be his girl on the side, not only i will hurt, but his and my loved ones will too. i cannot live with the fact that i am hurting someone else for any sake of my own, so i must put aside the happiness i find in his company and strike out on my own.

but, for once, i’m not all that scared. for once, it feels like i’m making a big decision without the help of others. yes, i am taking certain pieces of advice, but i am combining it to suit what my life needs. i cannot neglect my studies nor the people who are there to help me stand up when i’ve fallen on my ass and hard any longer. all i can do is hope that this will turn out aimiably and that, somewhere inside this tattered heart, i can feel secure in knowing my boundries and not overstepping them. i’ve had courage where others failed and been secretive to the point where the tears are ready to rip through to where i’m literally holding back sobs, but can hold a poker face. the only thing still betraying me are the tears and sometimes my voice, which is what i’m working on controling now. once i finish that, i believe that i will be invincible.

but until if that day comes, i am to be student, daughter, sister and friend. no more of this bodily need hampering my future. i tried to ignore my fairy tale and all it did was turn my life upside down. so now i must embrace the fact that this game is all or nothing. i cannot borrow happiness.

i don’t need strength. i am strength. i am truth. i am a child of the light.

~debbi