September 5, 2006

work is here, but is brings pain

I have been so excited about work coming… to have something else to do with my time to help keep my mind off of my heart pain. I went to work and before all of this when I was done work I would rush home to be with Chris. When I was at work today and 6 pm was coming up I got all excited because I haven’t seen Chris and I thought about how great it would be to see him. And then the hell of my reality came crashing down around me and everything that happened hit me like planet. There was no Chris waiting excited to see me. We aren’t together anymore… I have no one to go home to. I almost broke down in tears in front of the kids and I had to run to the bathroom and calm down. It was horrible to forget about the situation and then have it slam back into my mind all over again.

I miss him so much. I miss his kisses, I miss him hugging me, being excited to see me, missing me, wanting me. I miss it all. I would give anything to go back, but I know that I can’t. I just want to be with him. This is killing me. The only good thing was that he didn’t hang out with Amy alone like she wanted. She had visitation wih the girls today and wanted Chris to come… but he didn’t end up going. I guess I should be happy about that.

I was almost in an accident today. I truck ran a stop sign and almost hit me… and sadly enough the first thought in my head was why did he stop and why am I still here? I just wanted him to hit me and end it all… free Chris from me and my desire to be with him… free me from this pain and leave this world.

*sigh*

There is no escape from this pain… and so I must continue to build the walls up around me heart. Protect it from all this pain and lock my heart away. Maybe, please Lord and Lady, Chris will come back and break down the walls that I am building and help me. I only want for him to love me again. I hope more then anything that it happens. Please… but until it DOES…. I will build up the walls and lock myself away until Chris, my soul-mate, my love comes to find me again.

*hug*

hugs

Red_James

September 6, 2006

well if your not together he’s not your soul mate.. soryr to say but its just that eas.. which that should make you happy.. cuase that means your soul mate is still out there.. and the love you felt for chris you think that was pure and true and the strongets love can be? wait tell you actully find your soul mate… i’m not gonna tell you everything will be fine like it will be.. i’m not gonna tell you you shouldn’t build a wall around yourself like we all do when were hurt like that… but what i am gonna tell you is that i am here for you to talk to… i won’t lie to you i won’t butter coat sh!t unless i know i have to… i understand the pain your feeling and i understand the thougths you think… and i also know your awsome and r stronger then this.. take a look at yourself in the mirror good and hard and you will see it too.

Shazar

I sorta agree with the Red_Dark_Prince. Don’t wish your death. There is much to live for, and the moment you start seeing on the tragedies, you’ll lose a significant part of what makes you so strong. These are not easy times, yet you will endure. In six months, or a year, you’ll look back and realize just strong you are. And how much hope and faith us ODers had/ have in You. 🙂 You’re precious.

ya and if its meant to be it will be.. nothing you can do or say will change that… fate will do what ti will do… believe me if you 2 r meant for one another you will end up together no matter what… so no worries.. besides being upset and sad and mad and cunfussed and anger and all the jazz isn’t gonan help you at all its nto gonna help you make the right choices its nto gonna help you see the right road to take so that you can get your life back together and possiblely rekindle what you had with chris if ti is meant to be.. right? of course i am right. and you know it… if you beat yourself up over this all the time its nto gonna get you anywhere… and wishign death upon yourself is jsut dumb.. your gonna die one day anyways.. prolong it as lognas you can… its already on the list of things your gonna do.