this is inevitable

for the people that have been keeping up on my diary, you all know the situation that i am in. . . the troubles that i have been having. i have been talking to friends and they have all told me the same thing. CHRIS AND I NEED TO TAKE A BREAK! i regret to say that i feel the same. my heart is just not in this fight anymore and i don’t think that it it fair to either of us for me to keep on playing the charade.

chris is back to his regular sunshine and bunnies attitude about life, just like after every other fight that we have had. i can’t stand it anymore. i love him as a friend but right now i just can’t feel anything else for him. there are other people out there that i have a bigger connection with. i am frightened of the future, but excited as well. if i go through with this then the world will open wide with endless possibilities. i don’t know, maybe chris and i end up back together after the break or maybe i will find myself with someone new, maybe i will end up alone. my life hangs in a shroud of mystery.

i have had a weird feeling~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      i was trying to pinpoint exactly where and why this feeling was brewing in the pit of my stomach and it took me almost the entire day, but i finally figured it out. i was preparing myself for life alone again. i know that it will be depressing and lonely, but i have had some of my greatest inspirations when i was depressed. i don’t even remember what it is like to be alone, some people may say that i am lucky but that makes the prospect of being alone all the more difficult. on the brighter side of things i did email chris’s best friend and talked to him and he said that he had been noticing the sign for a long time, but didn’t want to interfere. he said that i had entered his circle of friends and that if chris and i did take this break then he would still be there for me. in his words. . . "the only way you can leave the circle is to die, and you ARE NOT allowed to kill yourself." so i have one true friend here. i will just have to hang onto that. everyone else is just so far away, but atleast i am not alone in this. i have someone who really understands and i know will be there for me. i am grateful of that.

*sigh* what does my future hold?