there’s nothing I’d love to do more

~*~ listening to Lonestar – Amazed ~*~

I think that reality is starting to settle in with me….

Have you ever had that feeling? That I-can’t-catch-my-breath feeling? I was sitting here today in my room… staring at the picture of Rob and I… and for some reason today I haven’t been able to stop thinking about that. Maybe it was in part from the conversation that Rob and I had last night when he was the one staring at the pic of us. But reality is hitting me hard tonight as I am sitting here… thinking. Rob is leaving soon…. possibly for 18 months…. and I have just 10 or so days left to talk to him on aim, watch him on webcam, listen to him sing to me, talk to him on the phone and listen to his voice. No more "good morning" text messages at 9am every morning… no more waiting for him to get on aim so we can chat til 3am.

I am trying so hard not to think about it. I am trying so hard to be positive because there have been more and more days where Rob has been down and I don’t want his days before he is deployed to be sad and depressed. It’s just that the closer it gets the more upset I find myself. Its hard to be in this situation…. to start talking over the internet, to try being together over the internet, to try meeting in person and have it fail, to lose touch just to find each other again, to meet in person and realize more then ever that the connection that you had over the internet is so much stronger then you ever could have imagined, just for him to leave with no way of exploring the feelings that we have for each other. Its so hard…. I know that when he gets back there will be so much for us to go through, but I am more then ready to deal with all those things.

I got something today that I am planning on using while he is away…. something that I am planning on surprising him with when he comes home and I had to stop myself from crying in the store when I bought it. I want to hear his voice before he leaves….

I’m fragile tonight….

my stomach is in knots and has been off and on for the past couple days….

So I guess tonight is my turn to think about how hard things will be and how much I will miss him. Because I will miss him…. so very much. And when he comes home…. I don’t think anything will be able to contain the happiness that will take over me…. but first things first.

oh…. got the carpet for my room today, should be doing windows tomorrow… I hope to start moving things tomorrow and I don’t have work on thursday so that will be a big moving day. I won’t be able to paint the walls til the summer, but it will give me something to do and look forward to. I will be sure to post pics of my room once I get moved back in. Heh… yeah…

Well I guess I should get back to the homework that I can’t concentrate on….