the door is open, yet I still can’t get through

A better day?

I am not sure…

Yesterday was a better day. My friend Shawn came over my house after work. We hung out and talked and joked around. We played the Suffering for a while and he helped me forget for a short while. We went to the mall together… walked around… went to the best store ever… Hot Topic. We went to Sam Goody and bought pocky… I LOVE to eat pocky. It was nice… when I got hom Chris was back. That is the first time that he has come home and I haven’t been here, but he didn’t seem really worried about me being gone. Whatever.

Shawn and I watched tv and talked… Chris went to bed early. We talked more and joked around me and found out that we are both ticklish. We had a tickle war on the couch for about 5 min. Its the first time that I have laughed… I mean really laughed in 3 weeks. It made me feel odd, like I shouldn’t be doing it. Like I don’t deserve to laugh. He hugged me tight when he had to leave. It was nice to have someone to talk to. I didn’t realize how much I missed hanging out with him. He is funny and he makes me smile… but most important, he makes me forget. He makes me forget just how much I want to give up. He almost saw my cuts though… and when that happened I was afraid. I was afraid of what he would think. He doesn’t know that I cut, I don’t even know if he is even aware of such a thing. I don’t want him to see… I don’t want him to hate me. But it seems like more and more people hate me all the time.

He is supposed to be coming over again tonight when he is done work. Whether or not that is going to happen I don’t know, but I hope that it does. I want to forget again.

Chris called me this afternoon at the house when I got off work. He NEVER does that. He said that he just wanted to know what I was doing, and what my plans were. He said that he missed me and that he wants to hang out over the weekend. Maybe we could go to the aquarium. I would really like that, but I guess we have to see how it goes.

I emailed that mother fucker Geoff…. said that he could get my shit on Saturday, but the worthless piece of chicken shit has yet to reply. What the fuck?! Can’t leave me the hell alone, but when I say "Hey asshole…. come and get it." He runs away and doesn’t say anything. oiwejujnkjnva;iogha;oewb;kjndkjhaiub I really hate him. He is such a coward… can’t deal with his heartache, can’t deal with his emotions so he has to act like a child and bitch and moan to me. I told him I was sorry, but he threw a cell phone at me. That was when I decided that asshole and I would never work. He ended us… I just decided to try for Chris after that. But whatever… he won’t listen to me. And if he doesn’t want to be friends then fine…. if he wants to act like a immature cocksucker then fine. He can have MY shit and then he will be out of my life and I will forget that I ever wasted my time.

I don’t care what happens now. I am done trying to fix people… I am done trying to figure out love… I am done with everything. I have lost my purpose… and I simply don’t care. People walk all over me and treat me like crap and I just don’t care anymore. My parents walk all over me…. my boss walks all over me… my so-called friends walk all over me…. Chris walks all over me… Geoff thinks he can walk all over me…. I don’t care. Let them… I don’t care. I am done trying to help and I am done trying to become something. I am just me… nothing… empty… broken… nothing special here. Just one more human to crowd the world and take up space. My time will come. Sooner or later. And even though sometimes I wish it was sooner, my time will come. And I will be reincarnated again. Maybe to a better life.

All I have left is hope….