still numbing *edit*

So Chris and Trish didn’t end up coming back to the house after their date. He is going to go look at her car on Tuesday, but I have to go to work and class so atleast I have something to do. I am starting to get numb to all of this. After the breakdown yesterday and talking to Amanda I am beginning to realize that Chris is lost and confused and just doing what he feels is right for him.

Amanda was great to hang with. We both cursed life and every couple that we say together. We were driving to the movies screaming out the car windows, "Why am I even here." "What the hell is the point?" It was great. We went to Friendlys and tried to eat which only ended up making us sick. So we went to the movies and played House of the Dead. It is a zombie game… you are trying to save the humans and shot the zombies, but we ended up killing almose every human we came across. So our game didn’t last long.

We decided that we are going to hang out again. We are now the Life Hater Twins… even though we look nothing alike. It was nice to be around someone that isn’t happy and just bask in lonliness. We talked alot about everything. It was nice to get away from my shit life for a couple hours, and talk about how awful it is to be alive.

I didn’t get home until late… I crawled into bed and Chris moved over to me and snuggled with me. Progress? I don’t think so.

Today Chris and I are supposed to watch a movie and go to the mall. He said that he wanted to snuggle with me and spend time with me today. He doesn’t think that he is going out tonight, but that doesn’t mean anything. Its weird… I am starting to care less and less about Chris. I have a feeling that if I make it to 1 month single and heartbroken that I am not going to be able to feel anything for anyone anymore. Chris comes around and hugs me or talks to me or calls me sweetheart and it is beginning to not matter. I don’t think that I am going to care soon.

I know that it will still hurt when he goes out with Trish and I know that the 1st and 2nd time that I see them together is going to be horrible, but once I get through that then I will be numb and heartless. That is where I need to be.

Heartless

*EDIT*

So Chris read my OD. He said that it is about time that I stop caring. He said maybe now I can understand where he is feeling. He is empty and doesn’t feel anything. But that is not true… he cares about Trish… atleast he has hope. The person that I care about doesn’t care about me and doesn’t want to try with me. He thinks that just because I am beginning to not care means that I am moving on from him. But I know what I want… I know who I want and I want to be with him. I am just stuck waiting for him now… waiting for him to give me a chance. All I want is a chance, thats it. But he can’t even give me that right now… so I have no choice but to live my life alone and depressed. Chris has things that make him happy… I won’t be happy. I don’t even remember what happy feels like. Chris, he is my happiness, my love, my heart. Without my heart I cannot be happy. Chris is selfish… maybe he never was in love with me because if the situation was reversed I wouldn’t be doing this to him… no matter how empty I felt! I would never do this to him. I hope that he gets up the courage to try agian with me. We were meant to be together, regardless of how he feels right now. He knows that he is still in love with me…. deep down he knows that he feels it. But his heart isn’t in the right place to be with me right now. So I just have to wait. Wait and hope…. and try to keep going.