stage 1 again

Last night was so horrible. Chris was home when I got home… we sat on the couch and started watching tv together. I was on OD and he was reading my stuff and read that Shawn kissed me. From the moment that he read that he was angry. After he read it he went upstairs and started working on the computer. I sat donstairs and then Shawn calls. He said that he was on his way over.

Chris comes downstairs and says that he is planning on cleaning and he wanted Shawn and me to go elsewhere… cause he doesn’t want to interfere with me and my boyfriend, dripping with sarcasm. I told him that Shawn wasn’t my boyfriend. That we were just dating and moving slowly and seeing where things are going. But he jumped up and bit my head off telling me that Shawn was my boyfriend and that we were spending every free second together and making out.

But its not like that. Chris got really pissed and practically told me that he was going to kick me out of the house. So I go into the kitchen to try and talk to him. He says, "How did you think I was going to feel?"

So apparently he still has feelings for me, even though he said that he didn’t. Then he says, "Well I guess my plan is ruined now." So I finally got it out of him what the plan was… he was going to do whatever he had to do in order to be able to be back with me. Hearing that was like a train in the face… are you kidding me. After everything that I went through… after listening to him tell me that it was going to take months if not longer, but that now he could no longer believe that I wanted to be with him just because someone kissed me. But he was planning on using a relationship with someone else in order to find his way back to me, but I am supposed to just sit back and not be with anyone. I don’t want to be serious… I just want someone who shows that they care to be around me.

I was such a mess last night… Chris wouldn’t even let me touch him… he was angry because I let someone get close to me in "that way" and I was supposed to wait for him. I am waiting… everyone knows that I want nothing more then to be with Chris, but its not fair that he can be with other people, but I can’t. Thats just not fair.

I know that Chris and I were making a lot of progress… he was kissing me more and holding me, snuggling with me and now we are back to when we first broke up and he wants nothing to do with me. I don’t even know what to do anymore.

Shawn saw that I was upset and took me out. We ended up at Walmart cause it was so late…. I hate Walmart, but I needed to go shopping and Chris and I had been talking for the last half hour. I did something stupid… I went out and bought new razors. I cried all night last night… Chris woke me from a nightmare and I was crying then too. I don’t even know what to do anymore. I don’t know how to think or what to think or what to feel or anything. I thought that I was lost before, but now I am even worse.

I don’t know what I am doing. I thought about the razors all night…. opened the package this morning… stared at them until I tried to go to school. And that didn’t work… I drove around speed racer style and then came back home. I don’t want to go to class. I want to talk to Chris… I need to talk to Chris. I want him to know that he is the one… I don’t want him to give up on his plan because he thinks that I am not commited to him. I want nothing more then him…. oh Goddess please let him still want to be with me. Please…