something better

Well Nicholai is over 2 weeks old already. I can’t believe how fast time is going by. He is growing up so fast. I’m going to blink my eyes and he is going to be a year old. I am trying to soak up this newborn stage as much as I can. He is just so cute but part of me is excited for him to get old so he will smile at me and laugh… I can’t wait to hear what his laugh sounds like or what his voice sounds like when he starts talking… but for now I am loving this little baby stage. Chris isn’t as much of a fan of this baby stage… he is more excited for when Nicholai is older and playing sports and all that.

I have this song stuck in my head. It’s called Something Better by Tantric. It’s not the whole song that gets me… just these lyrics "Don’t you want something better? Something bigger then we are" And every time I hear those lyrics they bring tears to my eyes because it makes me think of Nicholai, of being a mommy. All my life I have been striving for that something better… all my life I have been trying to find that love and family of my own and now here I am. Chris and Nichoali are my something better. Being a mother, that is bigger then me, bigger then anything that I could have ever done. There is nothing bigger then being a mommy to someone and I can’t imagine my life before Nicholai. I look at him and my heart just explodes with how much love I have for him. I never knew it was possible to love someone so much. I want to do right by him, I want to be a good mother and sometimes I worry if I will be a good mother to him. I’m doing the best I can and I know right now he is too young to really show it, but I wonder if he has any idea how much I love him, that I would do anything for him.

I have been trying so hard to get him to sleep through the night. He is not a night baby. He doesn’t like the dark. The other night he was up and whimpering until 4am so last night we decided to start him on a real routine. So we kept him up until midnight and then gave him a bath, I nursed him, sang to him, turned on the vibration and put his slumber bear in his pack n play (slumber bear: makes the womb sounds) and he slept for 30min, woke up for 10min, but I rocked him back to sleep and he slept until 4am! I changed his diaper, fed him and he slept in his pack n play for another hour! I am so proud of him for sleeping by himself because before that he wouldn’t sleep unless he was with one of us so this is good progress. I hope that we can continue this progress because I don’t want him to depend on us to fall asleep… I want him to be brave enough to fall asleep on his own. I don’t want to hold him back so I’m trying my best to do what is best for him.

And on top of all of this hubby is having a hard time. We are hurting a bit for money right now and have a lot of bills that we have to pay, the soldier that was supposed to be doing Chris’s job while he was on paternity leave was a lazy bitch instead so now he is 3 weeks behind and is trying to catch up so he is stressing about that too. He moves to Bravo company next week and he is just so stressed with everything that is going on. It’s putting a strain on us and I’m trying to keep our heads above water right now and that is hard because he is being so hard on himself right now. I know that we will be fine, it may be tight for a while but we will be find and Chris isn’t focusing on that, he is focusing on the fact that things are tight right now.

But the money aspect doesn’t even matter. We have Nicholai and as long as he gets what he needs I have no problem going without for a little while. My life revovles around that little boy from now until the end of time.

Oh.. and I will be changing my front page at some point when I have time…. I have to find some new icons and remove the pregnancy counter since I’m not pregnant anymore lol.
 
 

… don’t be afraid, sometimes they come true! … music is my life