over a bump (about cutting *may trigger*)

Last night was a bad night for me I guess.

There has been a lot on my mind for a while, but I have been holding it in. Last night it all came out. I thought about cutting. I looked at my knife and my left wrist, the one with the scars, started to tingle and burn. The more I though about it the more my arm started to burn. It got to be all that I could think about. Every image in my mind was of cutting or blood or knives. It was horrible.

But as hard as it was I held back. I guess I should be proud of myself for that. Although I am far from through it, but I look forward to any progress like that.

So this morning I did some reading on self harm. I guess I should count myself lucky that I haven’t let it get as far as some have. Some of the pictures I looked at were awful.

And I know there are people who look at cutters as freaks, or attention seekers. They mock us and look down on us, but cutting is a disease. Sure it is a mental disease, but that doesn’t make a difference. We are people just like everyone else, just because we wear our emotions on the outside doesn’t mean that others can poke fun or look at us different. As if it wasn’t already hard enough to deal with everything.

I had someone tell me the other day that I was stupid for cutting. That for me to hurt myself just proved how weak and worthless I am as a person. That the only reason I cut was for attention.

If I cut for attention then why do I wear bracelets and arm bands to hide my cuts and scars? If I cut for attention then why do I cut when no one is around? I don’t see why other people try to bring me down… me and everyone who suffers with what I suffer wtih? I don’t do it because I want to. I do it because it feels better then the way I feel inside. And when I feel nothing inside I do it so I know that I am still alive, to make sure that I can still feel something.

And now I am trying to overcome and feel better about myself. I am trying to understand all of who I am and not just bits and pieces of myself. I am searching deep inside to find out who I really am and why I am here and what I am going to do with my short time, in this life, on this earth. I have been through so much and I have come so far from where my mind once was. I have made it almost my 22nd birthday, still alive, still with a desire for life. I am proud of myself for how far I have come and it has taken me 10 years to be able to be proud of myself.

There is no need to put me down. I dont understand or appreciate it at all.