“oil that tastes like blood”

 
I have this song stuck in my head… I can’t stop listening to it for some reason.

I’m trying to stay on top of my feelings at the moment. I keep finding myself getting frustrated with Chris right now. He is always on me about being open, on my about talking to him with I’m angry or upset or sad… but he never does it. He hasn’t really talked to me about any of this situation we have found ourselves in. He says he is "ok" but his "ok" is like my "fine"

I just find it infuriating that he closes up like this. It isn’t fair. He can’t always harp on me to be open and talk things out when he refuses to do it to. UGH!

This whole situation worries me. I don’t want to lose my husband but sometimes that is what it feels like when he shuts me out. And I don’t want to be frustrated with him but I don’t want to be hurt either so there is really no good emotion for me to feel at the moment.

We haven’t talked since the night that we found out except for via text message. He is at the training now so talking on the phone is impossible really. It’s weird that I haven’t heard his voice for 2 days. But even the texts are all surface bullshit and never anything about him. Always about me, what am I doing? how as the pre-deployment fair? what are your plans for today? how did Nicholai sleep?

But I don’t want to push this… so if he isn’t going to offer information about it I’m not going to push for it either.

It’s this weird little inbetween that I find myself. I don’t feel…. "right" something feels off, but I can’t quite figure out what.

9 days left until he comes home. We are in single digits now. These 20 days have been going by so fast. I can’t believe that he has been gone for 11 days already. It almost doesn’t seem real.

Ugh… I want to run down the road screaming right now. Haha that sounds crazy….. an emo lol. Funny.

Oh well… I only have 45 min til Nicholai wakes up from his nap and I need to grab myself a show and put on makeup so I can walk outside without scaring people. I’m going to spend some time with Jessica… one of the wives of a guy in Chris’s unit… her husband is in Cali with mine and we are both frustrated with the Army but heh… what else is new.

… don’t be afraid, sometimes they come true! … music is my life