not my night

I thought that I had this whole night planned out. I thought that it was going to be a nice romantic sort of night. Geoff and I were going to cook dinner together, then go out to a movie, and then come back to my house. As usual things to don’t work out the way that I plan.

So that leaves me home alone with Geoff at his place sleeping. We managed to make dinner together, but then he decided that we should take a nap before the movie. I knew what that meant as soon as he said it. . . the rest of the night was shot. And I was right.

Maybe I am being selfish, silly me wanting to go out on a date with my bf, what was I thinking? I let myself get all excited about it. I knew that I should have stayed with my gut feeling. Earlier in the night I was with Geoff trying to cash his check. Something came over me, I got really upset and sad. I kept telling myself that it was only in my head and that I just had to push the feeling away and look forward to the rest of the night. I tried to hard to ignore the feeling in my stomach, but I should have known better, for the same feeling has crept it’s way into my body and settled once again in the pit in my stomach. I should be studying for my midterm right now, but I know that if I did I wouldn’t remember anything. I am depressed. . . I guess.

It the curse that I carry. Apparently I am comfortable and people can easily fall asleep around me. Okay sure its cute the first couple times it happens, but every time I try to watch a movie, or go out, or anything the people around me are always falling asleep. It happened all the time with chris, and now it is happening again with Geoff.

Truth be told I haven’t felt like myself lately. I feel different somehow, lost. I don’t know what it is, but I can’t seem to shake the feeling. And the urge is back again. I am trying hard to supress it, but sometimes I find myself daydreaming about it. I am a mess, such a mess. I just want to break through this skin that is holding me in and scream my head off until I am out of air, until no more oxygen in present in my lungs.

I have been gone for an hour now. I still don’t think that Geoff knows that I am gone. He is going to sleep through the whole night and I am going to be awake, maybe crying, staring at the ceiling. I don’t know why I try.?