NoJoMo day 14 challenge

Challenge: Today is the 14th. Go back to your 14th diary entry and re-read it, then copy/paste it into an entry and comment on it. What is going through your mind when you wrote it? What has changed? What is the same? Is it a fond memory? Sad? Is it a case of "I can’t believe I wrote that!" Tell all!

things to do
 
Thursday, September 15, 2005

so i finally cleaned out my inbox at yahoo, so much junk that i saved and for the life of me just couldn’t remember why.

i have to go to HCC today and work. i know that i am going to get trampled by Caitlyn, Kayle, Francesca, and Nick, but i am glad that they like me so much. They are such cute kids, i hope that i can have some of my own someday. i just need to finish school, find a real job, move into a house, and get married. chris told me today that he is "proud" of me that i am snuggling with him and worry about him and taking care of him. . . i don’t really know how that is supposed to make me feel. i know that he meant for me to take it in a good way, that he is just happy that he and i are back to how we used to be, but i don’t know if i am happy about that. i guess that i should be, maybe this . . . what i am thinking. . . makes me a bad person a bad fiance. i keep stretching myself out to try and cover everyone. i go to school to please my mom, my dad, my grandmother, my uncle, my aunt; i go to work so that i can help pay for things that i want and chris wants. i talk to david and try to help him, i work with kids and help them, i give advice to the friends that i have online to help them.

but where is the person that helps me?

i am stressed out. . . i mean really, but i have to hide it from everyone. i have no one that i can share it with. The anniversary of one of my friends death is coming up soon and i have to try and handle that in the midst of everything else. Christmas is coming up so quickly and i have to start helping my mom with that. i have to try and keep up apperances for chris, because i know that he would not understand what i feel inside. He keeps telling me that i am better and i am finally treating him the way that he should be treated. i think that it is easier for me to just follow the status quo and keep going the way that i am. i am doing ok this way so as long as i can keep this up then i should be ok.

i think?! 

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Looking back on that entry makes me realize what I dark place I used to be in. Everything in my life has spun around a complete 180. I have never been happier in all my life. Sure there are dark times, but the bright times outnumber them about twenty-fold. And I have plenty of people who help me. Chris number one…. he does anything and everything that he can for me and I am grateful for it.

I also have friends who are there for me, a big change from this entry and where I once was in my life.

A good change.