neverending… *edit*

I don’t think that I can do this. I love Chris so much and this is killing me. I woke up this morning since I had classes… I cried for about half an hour while taking a shower and then more when I was getting dressed. I finally managed to stop long enough to put on my makeup.

When I got to school I sat in class and tried so hard not to cry… I had 3 classes and managed to not cry in 1 of them. I am never like that… I hate other people seeing me cry, but I can’t stop. Everything makes me think of Chris and how much I love him. Yes I want him to be happy and I want him to be able to find that feeling again… more then anything I want that, but I can’t do this. I can’t…

My stomach aches all the time and the only time it stops is when I am around Chris. My head kills all day and the pain only goes away when I am around Chris. I know that the way I feel isn’t going to change his mind… I know that he is going to do what he wants to no matter what I say or do, but I can’t do this.

This is not something that will getter better… everyday gets worse and him and C aren’t even hanging out yet. I can’t deal with this… it hurts more then anything that I have ever felt.

I am so in love with him… more then I even thought possible and I can’t make it though this. I keep trying to be strong and trying to push past the pain to move forward, but everyday hurts more then the last and every night I have these horrible nightmares about him with other girls and I can’t take it.

I can’t eat or sleep or breathe or move or function… I can feel myself shutting down… I can’t do this… I really can’t .

I am trying so hard to just make it one hour without crying and I can’t…. I love him so much and I know that he is the one for me. I know it in every fiber of my being… and I can’t make it.

I hate sounding like some pathetic girl who is chasing after someone who doesn’t want her, but I can’t help myself… I need him so badly. And I don’t expect anyone to understand… not even Chris understands. I am trying with everything that I have left, but I don’t have enough. I need him to hold me and kiss me and tell me that he loves me and he can’t do any of that, but I don’t htink that I can make it much longer. I am trying so hard to give him the space that he needs… trying so hard to let him find what he is looking for, but I am weak and devastated. Every moment is agony… and everything reminds me of him. I have never hurt this much in my whole life… and the times that were close I turned to Chris and now there is no one. Nothing… just black emptyness. I want Chris to have the chance to be happy and do what he wants, but it is going to destroy me completely. I can’t even go to my classes without crying, I can’t even drive without wanting to just chuck my car off a cliff… I must sound insane, but I don’t care…. I have never loved this hard before and I never will agiain… he is my everything… I need him… I miss him.

I am dying on the inside… I can’t even breathe without it physically hurting… I don’t know how I will ever do this…

*EDIT*

taken from Fading Sun… in entry It Hurts So Good

He does it to me over and over
Again and again everynight.
Theres never a day he doesnt stab and tear open my heart.

He makes sure theres nothing left of me.