my wall is broken

I usually pride myself of being strong… on keeping it all inside… but today, the last couple days I just haven’t been able to hold it together as I usually do. Tonight was my breaking point I guess. After listening to Chris tell me what people think of me, what people think of my friends…. after everything that has been going on and after still dealing with all the Army stuff and thinking of the future I am at a loss. I have spent the last close to 2 hours now sitting in the dark crying. I am not usually like that…. I hate crying. I HATE crying. It always makes me feel so weak and inferior. And I especially hate crying knowing that people know that I am. I was talking to Army Chris on AIM the whole time that I was crying. He told me the truth, the things that I needed to hear but that doesn’t change anything at all. That doesn’t change how hard this is or how much it hurts on the inside.

I am always putting on this strong front for Rob…. because I don’t want to see him hurt…. I don’t want him to know that this is really hard and I miss him so much that it hurts inside. I think that he feels the same way and we are both trying to hide that from each other but sometimes I just can’t keep that wall up. That wall that holds all this in, the wall that holds my anger and sadness and loneliness… that wall that I built to keep myself together. There is no one that can help me feel any better except for Rob and I know that. People comfort me… but no one can help erase these feelings save Rob. I know that… so here I sit in the dark, lonely, cold, scared, angry, depressed….

I guess I have to build up my walls stronger…. I guess I have to let less emotion in so it doesn’t build up as fast and then I can let less emotion out. Of course that isn’t healthy… I know this, but I can’t let myself be this wreck all the time and without these walls I would be.

I haven’t told this to anyone…. anyone… but I had a dream last night… actually the past couple nights. In my dream… I die. I have had it for I think 4 nights now. The first time I had the dream… I watched myself die, whither away and die. I was all alone, there was no one there to hold me, no one there to save me, and I just slowly faded away into nothing. It felt like nothing and I went nowhere. Just empty death, emtpy passing, and then empty space. The next night I dreamt I died…. and no one cared that I was gone. My funeral consisted of my parents and my siblings and no one cried, no one said anything. None of my friends were there and when I saw my friends they were going about their lives like it was no different…. like my life meant nothing and the fact that I was now gone changed nothing. And the last couple nights have been that way….. going from friend to friend…. to Rob…. and nothing. No one cared that I was gone and in fact everyone was happier with me gone. As morbid as it is it got me wondering just how the people that I hold dear to my heart would feel if I died. Would they be upset? Would they hurt? Would they mourn me at all or just continue on? And of course I know the answers to all these questions, but I am not letting myself believe those answers right now.

I don’t want to sleep anymore…. least of all by myself. I hate sleeping by myself. And that makes me think back to Washington… spending those 2 nights with Rob in the motel…. his arms around me, he heartbeat in my ear, his breath on my face…. the way we would wake up together and he would just look deep into my eyes and then kiss me ever so gently on the lips… and how badly I want that back, how badly I need that again.

I know that this hole I am in will pass soon. I know that I will rebuild the wall that crumbled and soon have a place to shove all these feelings once again so I don’t have to think about them. I have felt worse pain then this and been through worse…. on my own and I am not on my own this time so I will be fine. Everything is ok and I can handle this…. but until that happens, until my wall gets rebuilt, I am stuck to feel empty and alone… more so then usual and little things that normally roll right off tend to attach themselves to the rest of the dark feelings that I have and hold on tight.

I am hoping that by the end of the weekend this will have passed. Rob told me that he isn’t re-enlisting but that doesn’t help me plan things any better because we still don’t know what is going to happen or where he is going to go. I just want my boyfriend back…