its me… the beautiful disaster

So let me just put it out there right now that this entry is utterly worthless to read. This is my diary and I can write my feelings down as I feel I need to and vent about whatever I want to so I am… this is more an entry for me then for any of you

*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*

So another week is over. Its Friday…. well Friday the 13th… well it was about half an hour ago. I think it is safe to say that nothing, nothing goes right on the weekends and that I am just doomed to feel this increasing weight of the world crashing down around me. I would like to think that this is all in my head but how many weekends have come and gone with me feeling just totally and utterly depressed. I wonder if my damaged little has found a way to have weekend depression…. wouldn’t that be just dandy.

Work was hell. I am sick. My phone is being so retarded that I just want to throw it against the wall and I would if it wasn’t my only means of communication with Chris, I went to a movie that I have been waiting to see for a while (The Happening) and the whole situation was just stupid. I went with Allison and Eric so not only was I the third wheel but they ended up getting into a huge fight which left me sitting on the ground in front of the theater waiting for them which made us late for the movie so we ended up sitting all the way in the very front row all the way to the left so the screen had this weird tilt to it and I got such a headache…. I sat in the theater trying so hard not to cry because I was just so frustrated. You know… for a little bit while I was sitting there watching the happening it made me want to go back and cut so badly and I haven’t done that since….. wow….. its been 17 months since I last did. Not the longest that I have ever made it but the easiest 17 months. And tonight I just found myself thinking about it…. wanting to do it…. and that worries me because that isn’t like me, well not this me.

I don’t know how many of you know about cutting…. its something that stays with you forever. It isn’t something that I think I will ever get better from… sure, I can stop but that doesn’t mean that I’m cured. Its an addiction and I think its something that I will always be addicted to. I promised someone important that I would stop and I have been doing my best but tonight the urge was stronger then it ever has been. I actually sat in my car after the movie and considered cutting right there in the car…. and its never been that bad before since I told myself that I wasn’t going to cut anymore. I thought that maybe this time I had beat it…. the longest I have ever gone is 3 years and they were a hard 3 years to get through.

I don’t know why the weekends always bring out this side of me. I know this is the last weekend that I will be living in NJ and maybe that is my problem… I hope that it is… I hope that I just want to be with Chris and that is why I am like this because I would hate to think that Chris is about to marry someone who is this damaged. I would hate to think that he is going to have to deal with this depression that I find myself in every single godforsaken weekend.

I don’t know what to do with myself right now…… but writing this all down has helped with my urge which was exactly why I did it. There are still 2 more days of this dreadful weekend to get through…. so I have a feeling there will be more venting tomorrow.