Ich warte hier

Last night was such a hard night for me. The weekend at the shore was so crazy… I don’t think that I am going to go back for a while… people are mad at me, there is just so much drama and I have enough drama of my own. I had a lot of fun with Amanda. It was nice to be able to hang around with her and talk. I was having such a great time in the beginning… just sitting around with everyone, talking. But then we went down to the beach at night. It was beautiful. There was lightening in the sky, which made the sky light up white and purple and the waves were rolling in. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. And it made me miss Rob more then ever. I went down to the beach with a group of people and I was trying so hard to stay strong, but I gave in and cried. I walked away from everyone… down the beach…. by myself… thinking of how perfect it would be if Rob was there with me and we were holdinig hands while we walked down the beach at night together… kissing and watching the lightening and the waves crash on the beach. I haven’t felt as lonely as I did right there in that moment for a long long time. I kept looking up at the sky… thinking… I wonder what Rob is doing right now? I wonder if he is thinking about me? I wonder if he misses me as much as I miss him?

I really hate this so much… I wish that this was all over and he was home with me! I wish that someone was in my situation around me… that could really understand that this is ripping me apart inside, but I have to suck it up for Rob. I feel like such a horrible person… I am trying so hard to be strong and I feel like I am doing an awful job. When I got back from the shore on Sunday I had a letter from Rob. He sent me some Saddam H. money and a picture of him. I will put it up here soon along with other pictures. He looks so amazing in his picture and he said that he is doing fine in his letter but that he is going somewhere that he can’t write to me. I still haven’t gotten a call from him in over 3 weeks now. And I don’t want to think about not hearing anything from him in more then a month. That will be so hard. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. He said that he may get r&r in October now but I will believe it when I see him. First it was r&r in August, then early 2008, then November, now October…. I just want to see him. I just want to look in his eyes and tell him how amazing and perfect he is… how he can do better then me… and cry.

Ugh… I am not doing to well right now…. ha! that is the understatement of a lifetime. I spent most of last night crying and looking at the new picture that he sent me. I finally fell asleep at 5am and got up around 7:30. I am trying my best to hold on right now, but I feel like I am slipping and I can’t grab the edge. I love Rob so much… I would do anything for him, so of course I am going to be waiting here for him, of course I am going to stand behind him. Rob has been there for me, he understands me and who I am. He is my rock and he is always there to push me forward and do whatever he can for me. I am so lucky that he loves me…. I am so lucky that Rob is in my life. I don’t think that my heart has ever felt this way before…. the way I feel when I think about Rob. He is my heart and my soul and my everything…. he gives me life… he makes my heart beat…. I would be empty without him. I hope that he knows that…

I must sound weak right now… I’m sorry. I just wish that Rob was here with me and after this weekend and the beach…. I just want him here. I just want my other half….

Ich warte hier – "I wait here"