I wish I could have quit you

Well I think it will be easy for me to quit him this time…. I am leaving Chris’s place soon. I don’t think I have much choice right now. He wants us to work on being better friends and I need to move out for that to happen. We have been fighting off and on and I don’t think that watching him do what he is doing is going to be something I can handle… now or ever. *sigh*

So that means moving back in with my parents…. that means sleeping in a bed by myself and sleeping in the cold. My room has a plastic window right now… the lock on the door is broken… there is no heat…. the carpet is gone. There are holes in the walls from me ripping the speakers off of them so I could give them back to Geoff. So my room is a mess…. such a mess. I need to paint the walls and I have been thinking of painting them 4 different colors of blue and then streaking lightining down one of the walls from really really dark clouds. As for the carpet I am not sure what I want to do. I had a gray one before, but I don’t know what color I would want now. Maybe black… maybe gray again… I don’t know. As for the heat… I don’t know if anything can be done about that. I might just have to freeze my ass off.

But I guess in the long run its for the best…. to move out and move on… or try to. I will be sitting in my room so much more… sitting in the dark… staring at the ceiling… wondering what the fuck happened to my life and how I managed to get myself there, but you know what? I did this to myself. This is what I did and I have to live with it. I have to sleep in my own mess and wait and see what happens.

I guess it would give me the time to catch up on school and Wicca. I have so much going on in my head. My heart is a mess and my mind is a mess, but being out of Chris’s and on my own will give me time to reconnect with myself. It will be me forcing myself to quit him…. the house…. the confusion. I am going to find myself and my heart… I will find true love if it kills me. But fate has its own plan, I can only control it so much. My dreams have been crazy lately… they have been giving me the feeling of the future, like they are going to come true. I don’t know. It has been a long time since I have had any prophetic dreams and the ones that I did have, they have never been about a guy before. I can only hope it comes true, but I know my luck and it doesn’t usually turn out that way.

I am just going to wait for the summer… that is what I look forward to. I have been taking Slimquick for about 3 weeks now. I exercised 2 days and I have lost 10 pounds so far. I hope it keeps up that way. I hope to be around 115 by the summer and have some muscle definition which means I have to start working out more. I want to get my eyebrow pierced and maybe my tongue this summer. I want to get a tattoo or 2 and really prepare for All Hallows Eve this year. So as I prepare for the summer maybe that will help me to soul search better. I know that I can figure out my life if I actually work at it.