I will dig a hole and label it love

And so fate has seen it fit to bless me with the flu! Bloody wonderful! Just what I needed in this stressful time in my life right? I was supposed to hang out with Amanda on Saturday and never even got out of bed. I don’t even remember most of Saturday… lay in bed all day with a fever of about 102. Fun stuff… I was supposed to use this weekend for homework and that didn’t happen either so now I am just another weekend behind with everything. I had a test today and I only half studied… not good. I can feel myself slipping from the positive attitude that I had. Not good!

Amanda and I had a long talk Friday night. We discussed love and relationships and life and the future. Things that she and I probably shouldn’t talk about. Its hard to deal with things the way they are I guess… since Valentines Day is right around the cornor. Love is such a mess…. I have realized so many things about myself over the past month.

Andrew and I have been talking again. He wants to get back together with me. He said that things would be different this time and that he never cheated on me with Kim, but I don’t know what to believe. He keeps saying one thing, but then his actions show something different, and that is a problem that he said he had with me. I am not ready to dive back into a serious relationship with him and if I do decide that we can work things out then it will have to be slow and I am not moving back in with him. Atleast not right now, which leaves me living with Chris which I know that he won’t like so I guess that means that he and I are completely over. I haven’t told him these things yet so I don’t know. Everyone is hating on him right now… and I can understand why. But Andrew can be a good guy… he is a good friend and I don’t want to lose his friendship since we could both use the friendship right now, but who knows how that will work. And he is making friends with other people so maybe he doesn’t need my friendship anyway. He is talking with Teresa again… heh. Just another girl that doesn’t like me anymore so I will stay away from that.

So that leads me to the question…. what do I want out of love? I want someone who will care for me and treat me with respect. I want someone who is looking for a long term relationship like marriage and kids. I want someone who can make me happy and I can make them happy. I want someone who likes some of the same stuff that I do… someone with depth and a personality. I want someone down to earth and real. I want someone who can fill in my holes like I would fill in theirs. I want to love and be loved in return.

But maybe I am asking for too much out of a guy. I thought that I found that person once, but it wasn’t the case. I have said before that I am ok on my own and that is true, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t wonder what it would be like to find someone like that. Maybe I have already and the timing just isn’t right… maybe I have meant that guy already and didn’t even realize it. Love comes with so many what ifs and uncertainties.

These sleepless nights have led me to do a lot of thinking and soul searching. I am tired of getting hurt and being lied to. I am tired of being the here and now girl. So I will sit back and let what comes come… I have no other option and no other choice. Everyone keeps telling me how great of a person/gf/wife I could be/am. You are so beautiful they say… you are so smart and artistic and talented. You have a good career going for you and a great personality and a big heart and an amazing mind. If all that was true then why am I here like I am?

The nights are cold here… the sky is bleak, but I am still holding onto that hope that my life is bright and full of promise. Everyone deserves to be happy… everyone deserves their fairytale ending, and even though I think sometimes that mine is nonexistent I don’t doubt that I can reach it. I have faith in the Lord and Lady and I know that my future will be promising as long as I keep fighting for what I believe is possible. I look at myself and see someone with a heart and emotions and a life. I see someone with dreams and desires and hopes. I see someone who is improving on themselves all the time… internally and externally. I have a great family and the world’s best friends, but it seems that loves escapes me right now. Hence my title… I will dig a hole and label it love until I find the person who is meant to fill it.