I think its starting to hit me

I am kinda in a better mood today. I think this deployment is having a bigger toll on me then I wanted to admit. Last night as I was lying in bed with Chris I started crying… again…. and I thought to myself "damnit you need to be so much stronger then this, you can’t keep breaking down like this, you have to get a grip" because I feel so bad having Chris see me like that. I have to suck it up and deal with it because we aren’t getting out of this. Its happening…. hes leaving. He went to an FRG meeting today and picked up a lot of deployment info for me. So this is happening and I can’t keep being so weak around him. I need to start handling it better.

I was sitting at work today thinking about it. Letting the reality of how close it is really hit me. He said its locked in stone to be a 6 month deployment, but I know how the Army is and that "stone" is about as set as water so I’m not holding my breath until I get an actual return date. Its weird to think about Chris writing up his will… he said that he was leaving everything to me…. and he is getting me a power of attorney…. its just so strange to think about.

*sigh*

It would be nice if I was pregnant… TTC is still not going well as I am on my last day of aunt flow as we speak. I am starting to get really discouraged.

I feel like crap today. I have had a migraine for most of the day. I watched Niko all morning from 6:45-5:30 and then sped to my other client to watch the twins and their brother from 5:45-7:15. It was a long day and it didn’t help that I had a headache for most of it.

Atleast tomorrow is Friday. I get paid tomorrow and next week I only have 3 days of work and then its Thanksgiving break. Yay…. a 7 hour drive. And I feel bad that Chris will be driving at midnight after having worked all day. I figure that I will pack for him since he wants me to sleep in the car on the way there. He says that it makes him feel good when I sleep in the car because that means that I trust him and his driving. I had to smile when he told me that. He is such a sweet guy.

He is trying so hard to make me be ok with this deployment, he keeps telling me to look on the bright side and I am or atleast I am trying to. I am doing the best that I can…. but I guess I have to do better.

Twilight comes out tomorrow and Chris and I will be seeing it on Saturday with Jess and Jules. I can’t wait…. I hope that its good…. I’m probably going to cry. Heh.

… don’t be afraid, sometimes they come true! … music is my life