hurry up and wait

 

Well I have made it through the weekend. Its now Monday morning 12:14 am, and I have to get through the week now. I know that it will be hard, this is so much different then the last time he left because the last time he left we had a lot of time to talk on the phone. This time we get to text some but we rarely have time to talk and it seems like he is too busy to talk. He is having a horrible time so it seems and I am doing my best to help him but I’m not sure how much I am helping. He is always telling me how much he misses me. And I miss him so much. But this is important that we see what this is like, that we remember, because he will be deploying in less then a year and that will be so much harder then a week apart.

Yesterday was long…. sleep was hard to come by…. and it seems that people who haven’t talked with me in quite some time have found the need or desire to talk to me again.

For those of you who have been reading me since the beginning…

Do you remember David?

Yes… Texas David has come back into my life again. He text me before Chris left asking to talk to me, telling me that he misses our friendship and that he wants to get back to how we used to be. I don’t know if I ever actually wrote down in here why I stopped talking to him. So details…. David was sent to jail and we couldn’t talk except for letters. We wrote letters back and forth for a while but my life took so many insane turns that I just couldn’t keep writing. When he got out our friendship suffered from the lack of communication and then he ended up getting together with Sam, a girl who had a crush on him for a long time. David had a crush on me but when he got with Sam I pulled even further away from him because every time he would talk to me Sam would get jealous and angry and I just wanted him to be happy. So I stopped talking with him.

Well he keeps texting me. He text me this morning asking about things. And low and behold…. Sam and David get into a fight so bad that he said he was thinking about moving out. I don’t want to sound full of myself and say that it was him talking to me that started the fight but it happened while he was texting me and then he says that he can’t text me right now.

Maybe I shouldn’t talk to him…. I don’t know. I would like to be his friend, he was always a great friend to me…. but I don’t want to cost him his marriage, especially if he still likes me…. then talking to him is a bad idea.

I don’t know what to do.

And the other person…

I know that a lot of you will remember.

Rob.

Yes… as I was sitting on the computer…. bored and missing Chris ever so much and watching tv Rob IMs me out of no where. He says that he still wants to be friends with me, he says that he is better and that he doesn’t have those mood swings anymore. I don’t even know what to think about this.

The last time we talked it was fighting all the time. Chris got so tired of the way that he was treating me and told me not to talk to him anymore. I have been IMing him to see what he will say… I have a feeling that Chris is going to be angry when I tell him that I was talking to Rob tonight. I have no intention of becoming friends because I know that it is such a bad idea. He says that he is still reading my OD even though I blocked him, he says that he has other names. He also says that he is keeping tabs on me!? That he has a friend who is in Chris’s unit and he knows things about Chris and I.

*sigh*

I don’t know what I think about any of it. I never know what to believe with him. He told me that he is on OD with another name "anything but ordinary" and so it would seem that he still has access to and is reading my diary. I don’t even care anymore. I have nothing to hide… I am happy and I made the right choice.

I wish that Chris was here….

~~~~~~~

As for today… atleast I was able to get out of the house. Jess text me this morning and asked what was going on because I asked her about going to yoga some time this week. She asked me why I was asking and then she asked if Chris was home. I told her no. So she said that she was going out and wanted to know if I would come with her. She came to pick me up and we went to Old Navy, Barnes and Noble and Target. I picked up some bathroom stuff and a bread pan so I can make Pumpkin Date Nut Cranberry bread when Chris gets back.

We talked about Chris’s upcoming deployment. Jess’s husband is deployed right now and she was talking about how hard it has been for her and that it does suck but atleast we have time together now. I know that almost every time I write in here I talk about the deployment but I need to talk about it. I need to make sure that I get it in my head that he is leaving…. that I am going to have to find a way to get on with my life while he is away. I am still working on that. Jess says that you just do it… that you just get out of bed and go on with your life. I have a feeling that it won’t be that simple. I have a hard enough time going to bed, let alone getting out of it. The house is a wreck and I seem to have forgotte

n that I am human and humans eat food. Sad I know… my husband is gone for 2 days and the world falls apart. Heh… I have been putting up a good front though with Chris because I don’t want him to think that I can’t handle this because I can… I just haven’t found my swimming legs yet. And knowing my luck… once I do it will be Saturday and he will be on his way back.

This deployement in June is going to almost kill me. I can just see myself lying in bed and crying for the first week atleast…. but then I will get up and get out of bed and get on with life, living a shadow of what my life could be if Chris was home. This life isn’t for everyone, thats for damn sure, but if this is the price that I have to pay to have Chris as my husband then I will pay it because I want to be with no one else.

Tomorrow I am going to battle the DMV to register my car… and get a NC drivers lisence. Boo to that. I don’t know how that is going to go. I meant to call my mum today and ask about money but I just don’t want to talk to anyone right now. I like this little hole that I have made for myself in the living room.

Heh… its 1:30 in the morning and I am still writing.

I should go to bed…. I don’t know that I could sleep.

And I have made a mess of the living room…. painting this box that I am making for Samhain.

I will tell you something though…. a body pillow doesn’t make up for the lack of husband in my bed right now….

and that is just sad.

 

 

 

 

… don’t be afraid, sometimes they come true! … music is my life