good week, but the heart still dies

I had a good week this week. Chris didn’t go out all week. He came home and we spent time together. He worked on the truck, went to our friend Jimmy’s house to work on his computer, and didn’t go out with Amy. We talked and spent time together, joked around, snuggled, and it was all wonderful.

I keep telling myself to not read into it. I know that things are improving, but they are no where near fixed. Just tiny steps in the right direction. I can see that he is settling down with me some. The other night we were hanging out and joking around, flirting and whatever… he came up to me and started tickling me, he pulled me close and then there was a moment. I know that you all know the "moment" that I am talking about. The one where you both feel those little butterflies and you both want to kiss. It was a beautiful moment, but thats all it was. He kissed me on the lips, but it was only a peck and the moment was gone for both of us. We have had a couple of them, but they have never turned into anything more then just a little peck on the lips or a kiss on the check or a tight hug… but they are also signs of progress. Even though there is still a long way to go.

I know that the only reason that Chris stayed home all week was because he didn’t have any money and if he did he would have gone out, but like I said before I will take what I can get. These tiny little moments have been wonderful so I now live for those moments. But I feel myself losing my love. I went to see him for lunch today… we ended up talking about Trish and how weird it will be if/when the two of them really get serious. He was talking about her and in my mind I saw flashes of the two of them kissing and holding each other, holding hands, making love… and even though it did upset me I didn’t cry or get angry. It just rolled off me like nothing. I know that it is going to happen… and I am beginning to accept that. But I know that there is a glimmer of hope and I know that Chris and I share a strong bond and that we have a powerful love and we can make this work.

Last night Chris lay in bed… he turned away from me. Normally I would ask him to hold me or I would snuggle up agaisnt him, but last night I didn’t do that. I turned my back to him and fell asleep. I awoke in the middle of the night and Chris was holding me… his arm over mine, his legs tangled in mine. I know that his love for me is still in there… sometimes I wonder if he is pushing me away and telling me that he doesn’t want to be with me because he wants to force me to move on. That he thinks if he hurts me enough that I will go away and he doesn’t have to deal with the feelings that he still has for me. I can see that he is hurt and confused, but he isn’t ready to talk to me about it. I don’t know if any of that is true… its just something that I wonder about.

But still in all of this my heart is dying. The pain is still there just as much, but I am becoming more and more used to it. I am begininning to believe that I was meant to feel this way. I don’t think there is any escape from it… I just gain more and more ability to cope and live with it. I feel the way I did my freshmen year… before I ever met Chris. Empty, broken, dead inside, lonely, unloveable, but strong and able to live with the pain. Today is 2 weeks heartbroken and single, but I am also 2 weeks stronger, 2 weeks more dedicated to my love for Chris, 2 weeks more set in my mind that Chris is the one for me.

This is the longest that I have been single in 7 years. It sucks and it hurts and its lonely, but I know where my heart lies. I know there is hope, and I know that our love will find a way.