good times and bad times

So I left my house last night after all that shit to hang out with Geoff and some other friends. We went to Applebee’s and had some drinks. It was nice to just get away.

Came home with Geoff around 1am.  He had a couple drinks and had just gotten off of work, so he was tired and I knew that. I was working on cleaning my room. . . since it desperatly needs it and Christmas is right around the cornor so I figured now was a good time to start. Geoff was sitting on my bed for a while, but after about an hour of sitting and talking he fell asleep. I didn’t really mind. . . I knew that he was tired. I move some stuff around and tell him to get under the covers in my bed so that he wouldn’t be cold. As he is doing that he tells me that he needs to leave soon. . . I ask how soon and he says at 2:30 which is in like 15 min. I was a bit upset. . . I wish that he would have told me that he had to leave that early before.

I don’t know what is wrong with me, but I was really upset. Maybe it is just because of everything that was going on with my dad. . . I don’t know. But I went outside and started my car so it could warm up and then went to sit on the couch and cry for a couple min. I think that I am just stressed with everything that is going on. All this fighting with my dad, Christmas, shopping, money, chris, my car, work. . . Honestly when I think about it now I don’t really know why I was crying, but I was.  But then it was 2:30 so I woke Geoff up and took him home. I didn’t really talk since I was upset and I knew that he could tell. . . but I didn’t even know why I was upset so when he asked me if I was ok when I dropped him off I said I was fine.

I sent him a text when I got home to let him know that I was home and safe. He asked me what was wrong again. He said that he knew there was something wrong. I said that I was fine because I was fine to deal with things on my own. I told him to just go to sleep, but he said that he wouldn’t until he found out what was bothering me. But I think that he feel asleep cause he had stopped texting me.

This moring I was still not in a good mood. I don’t know. . . just so much on my mind. He sent me a text so we went back and forth for a while. After a while he asked me what was wrong. . . I said nothing, but he said that I was acting different. . . I didn’t notice. I said that I was fine and I was just not feeling quite up to my normal "happy" self. Then he snet me a text that made me angry. . . he said basically that even if there was something wrong that I wouldn’t tell him anyway. That not only hurt, but it made me angry too.

I guess I should elaborate on why. I don’t like to talk about myself or how I feel. It has nothing to do with him in particular. . . it is because of things that have happened in the past and the ways that I have been treated in the past. It was a huge issue when I was with chris because he would get so mad at me for not talking. . . I don’t talk . . . I write. It has always been easier for me to write out how I feel instead of saying it. It is a problem that I am working on. I just feel stupid when I talk about how I feel. . . like the way that I feel is not good enough. Even though I know that Geoff doesn’t feel that way. . . I am always afraid that he will. He knows that I am working on talking more so that really hurt when he said it.

I don’t know what I wrote back to him. . . somthing like oh ok, w/e. I don’t remember exactly. He got really upset. . .he said that he didn’t intend for that to come off in a mean way. But it still hurt none the less. From there we got into a whole other conversation about how he felt like a "fucking idiot" which was the way that he put it and that I deserved better then that. I told him that it was ok. . . that I was used to people getting angry at me about it. He said that wasn’t good enough and that he doesn’t want to be like everyone else and treat me the way that everyone else did. And he doesn’t, I haven’t been treated this well in I don’t even know how long.

I don’t know why I was so upset, and I am still hurt about what he said, but I am trying to just push it away. He says that we should talk about our pasts tonight. . .

That both makes me scared and happy. I mean I am glad that he cares about where I am coming from. . . and I would love to know more about his background since I don’t know a whole lot about it. I just don’t know if I am ready for this, but I will try as best I can. I owe Geoff at least that much.

Ok. . . enough talking for right now. I guess I will write more later. All depends on how the rest of the night goes.