future on my horizons **long**

just like last time…  and  and  and  to all those who read this through… its SOOO long (sorry)

Last night was an interesting night for me. I felt sickly all day but oh well, what else is new. I ran around all day doing things… school, internet, work, and then to my parents to help my Ally make dinner since Eric was coming back from Georgia. When I got there I had to run to Advanced to get oil, then to Acme to get stuff for dinner. I called Andrew to see if he wanted to come over since I hadn’t talked to him all day since our fight.

He came over and we all were in the kitchen. We made dinner and then Monday night came up again and he continued to call people liars. He told me that I don’t understand why he is upset which isn’t true… I can see where he would be and could be, but nothing happened while we were talking so I was getting tired of him accusing me of shit that I didn’t do.

He left the house in the middle of the fight, told me that I was the one who walked away, but I just didn’t want to fight in front of my mum. So I stayed at my mum’s til around 12:30 and then went to Andrew’s to get some much needed sleep and check on him. When I got there I walked up the stairs to see all my stuff in bags on the floor in the living room. Made me feel like trailer trash for a min… seeing all my stuff there crudely placed in bags and whatnot.

So I go into his room and woke him up. We try to talk and then he says that he wants me back and he wants to make it work, but I said him going through my stuff and packing it up as the last straw. I told him I was done and I was leaving and then he offers to help me move all the stuff out to my car. I told him no, that he had "done enough" and called Ally and Eric to help me move everything. While I am doing that Andrew gets up and leaves and it isn’t til I watch him drive away that I realize he has some of my cds in his car. So after taking about an hour to move everything since it was snowing (lucky me) I call him to tell him I want my cds. He told me that he was driving around the college, but I knew different.

When he gets back he pulls up and hands me the 2 cds he had. As he pulls away Ally and Eric ask me who the ugly heffer in the car was with him… I said I didn’t see anyone, but I already know who it is. It was Kim, the girl who he swore that he didn’t want to be with, the girl who he said he wasn’t cheating on me with, the girl who he wanted nothing to do with. I had to laugh to myself when I thought about it… he had really been lying to me the whole time. Its funny how I stuck up for him just to have him really be cheating on me.

I had a lot of time while I was moving around in the cold to think about everything, but I have come to the conclusion that I am not mad, at him or Kim. Maybe they were meant to be? Maybe he is happier with someone who cheated on him 4 times then with me? Maybe he wanted to be with someone as immature as he is right now. He told me over and over how tired he was of Kim not being able to take care of herself, failing school, and sleeping around. He told me that she was so immature and she wasn’t going anywhere with her life, but maybe that is the kind of person who he needs right now?

I don’t see any point in getting angry or hurt. The love that we had the first month was gone and had been for some time. I just hope that she can take care of him. I hope that they are happy together and that he can finally have the girl of his dreams. I hope that she is sincere in her feelings for him. Andrew is an asshole, don’t get me wrong, he is one of those guys that give the male species a bad rap, but he can be a very loving and caring person too. Maybe that is the type of person that he can be with her all the time. Like I said there is no point in getting angry. All I lost was stress… but he lost a gf, a friend, a little brother and 2 little sisters, and my compassion. All in all he is the one who lost out and as for the lying… karma finds everyone in their own time. His life is short as it is, why give yourself bad karma? Fate has its way of taking over sometimes….. maybe his karma is his disease because fate knew how many wrong doings he would do? I completely believe in karma and what you do coming back to you 3 fold. He has hurt a lot of people, lied to a lot of people, made a lot of people angry… dying at 25 is a huge karma backlash.

He wrote in his last entry that his CDC isn’t working anymore. More karma backlash? I want nothing but happiness for him. I want him and Kim to be happy if that is what he wants. I want him to be healthy and live long, I want him to get the job that he applied for…. I want him to keep eating healthy like he has been. He has come a long way from the guy I first started dating and all the steps he has taken are amazing. He doesn’t look at his illness as something to hinder him, he is starting to eat real food, taking care of himself. I hope that he continues on that path.

I will probably never talk to him again… I doubt he would ever come by my mum’s to talk to me and I won’t go by there cause Kim might be moving in. So… Andrew… Distance… Romeo… I hope that you are happy with where you are now. I hope that your life continues to experience these positive changes that you have made. I hope that your CDC begins to work again and that you continue to be healthy. All I want for you is happiness and even though we were fighting a lot that has always been true. As for Kim and the lying, well that is something that you have to deal with. Am I hurt by it? Yes, but I can understand that you didn’t know what you wanted and it was easier to turn to her when we were bad. I am not mad at you… frustrated that you did what you did at 1am on a night when it was snowing and you kept me up late the night before, but the past is just that… the past. I don’t regret you, I have learned from you. I have learned things about myself from you and for that I will be grateful to you always. You helped me realize things about my own life that I had to change and deal with. I hope Kim never has to wake up to you holding a gun over your head… I hope that she can take care of you as I tried to do. I hope nothing but good things for you and please know that even though events happened as they did that you are always a part of my heart and that I will always care for you. Destiny just

had other ideas in mind for us and you being where you are in life and me being where I am just didn’t mesh. So I am sorry for the way things turned out, but the good times were good and I will hold on to those.

So now I am on my own again, but I feel happy inside. I am free to do as I want and live my life the way that I want. I have places to go and school to finish a job to get and friends to keep. I was driving around today smiling even though it is cold and there is snow everywhere. Will I miss the Andrew that I knew for that first month? Yes, that will always be true, but being single leaves me open to new possibilities. My horizon is as broad and open as ever and I am willing to embrace what my future has to offer me. Life is only what you make of it…. and I am going to make my life amazing. My money situation is almost handled now, my car is paid, my cell bill is paid, I bought some clothes, I have money to save, a budget that I am following, a family to be with, friends who love me, an education that I am going to work my ass off for, my health, my happiness, the Lord and Lady and my continued following of Wicca… I have so many things in my life and Andrew helped me to realize this. The past is in the past, but I have a bright horizon in front of me. I am happy… I can honestly say that I am happy and even though I have some other things to figure out… I am happy. It has been so long since I could say that and really mean it, but I am happy.

Thank you to all my FAVS who have been there throughout this whole process of me searching for happiness… I am happy now and I will not let that leave me. Life makes so much more sense to me now, and I am on the right track. I may slip again along the way, but I have never felt this sense of…. myself before. I don’t know how I would have gotten here without you all to talk to and get feedback from. I love you all so much!!