doesn’t play well with others…..

I think its so odd how off I have felt since I haven’t been writing… I feel like I am losing touch with all my friends. Amanda and I hardly talk anymore and I miss her with a passion. My whole entire life has flipped upside-down over the last month but I am determined to make sense of it.

I figure I should start off with my resolutions…..

1. Pay off all my bills

2. Lose 15 pounds

3. Get a tattoo before the summer

4. Concentrate on school more then my relationships

5. Concentrate on Wicca more then relationships and a little more then school

6. Work on myself and my attitude with others

7. Keep up my journal and my OD

8. Draw

9. Write poetry

10. Save money

I figured that 10 things to work on in a year would be good… besides I still have my list of things to do before I die. Umm… I have to talk about Andrew at some point but that will be on a favs entry to respect Andrew and his privacy but other then that everything is public knowledge. So I have also started to write again in a paper journal and I have started drawing again. I feel good about that. I have also been trying to repair my relationship with people… like Chris… and I hope to extend that to everyone over time. I have so much pain, anger, hatred, and saddness locked away inside of me… I have to get that out and stop pushing people away and getting angry at people.

I am realizing more and more that I can’t control people any more then they can control me. I am 22… going on 23… going on 150 and I can feel my emotions taking their toll on me. I have realized so many things over the past couple months about myself… about others. All I can do is try to be as positive as possible… although I don’t plan on losing my negativity, since that is what has brought me this far, but I do plan on allowing some more positive aspects of the world to enter my view and my thoughts.

The world is only what you make of it… and I am tired of making it hurt me. I can control myself… I can control who I am and I plan on doing a better job of that. Especially with the passing of Jane… which I think still has yet to really hit me. I know that everyone around me seems to think that I am fine with it, that I am fine with the fact that she was misdiagnosed for what could have been years, that I am fine with the fact that she went to the doctor how many times for them to only realize that 1 week before she passed that she had lymphoma… which should have been detected in a blood test?! But I am not fine with that. I am not fine with the fact that I lost someone very important to me and didn’t really have the chance or time to really deal with that. This summer is going to be awful… I saw her every summer… spent time with her and stayed at her house and sat by the water, that we went out to eat at the boat house and how she could always make me laugh. But that part of my life is gone… not forgotten, never forgotten, but gone none the less. I don’t know how to deal with that, except to push myself that much harder to fix my life, to get on track.

Christmas was ok… got some things that I wanted, mainly a new flute… so I can start playing again. New Years sucked… ha, what else is new. I didn’t even see the ball drop, and no kiss for me… Andrew and I were fighting. Hmm… I have been spending a lot more time at my parents now, with my brother. It is nice to be reincorporated into my family again, even though I miss the house with Chris and Sam and my cats Aurora and Riku. But my life has changed and evolved and I am just along for the ride at this point, trying to regain control. So this year… 2007… this is the year of self improvement. I want things to be better and I know that means I have to work, and work hard, but I realize just how short life is, now more then ever. I have to do all that I can do, because the clock can count down to zero at any moment and I want to be able to turn around and say, "Look… look at who I am, look at what I have down. I am proud of who I am, proud of who I was and what I did. See how hard I worked, look at everyone I helped. I am a good person and I did good things and I left a positive mark on the world." But right now I don’t feel that way and I can’t say that. So this is the year of improvement and reconstruction of who I am and what I do.

I watch the icon that I have at the top of this page… it makes me think of life. Each droplet of water that splashes down… it cracks against the ground and shatters into other tiny droplets that splash down again and again. Each springing forth with new life. Washing away the dirt… cleaning the slate for a new beginning. I need a new beginning… and this is my year…</fo

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