deep in my mind

With everything that has been going through my mind lately and the weather that we have been having I think that my depression is taking hold. I know that the weather has a lot to do with it. . .  rain always makes me feel depressed. I am trying to pull myself out of this rut I am stuck in.  It just this rain. . .

All this rain is clouding my mind, nature is surrounding me. There are so many people around me, expecting things of me, wanting things of me. I only want to find someone who understands. I want quiet. I want peace. I finally feel some of me beginning to find the path. I only need to wait for the rest of me to catch up. I have been dwelling on my own life. My purpose. . . I truely believe that I am here to help people, as many people as I can. Lend them advice and help them through the hard times, to befriend as many people as possible. The world is full of pain. On days like this, rainy, dark, grey, cold days sometimes I think that I can feel everyone. I can feel the pain in the world. I fear that feeling, that moment when I know that there are more people hurting, alone, scared, angry, helpless, so many more people then I could ever count. This world, I fear, is falling apart around us all. We hurt so many people, sometimes we do it unconsciously, but there are times when we hurt others on purpose. I know that I am guilty of this and I am trying to make amends. There are people in this world that deserve such treatment, but that doesn’t mean that we should deliver the punishment. We all make mistakes, we all are trying to better ourselves. Some people are losing the battle, I know that I was at one point in my life.

Life is a journey, filled with twists and turns, and many of them are unexpected. We can only prepare ourselves for the ride as best we can, we can do no more and no less. The world is scary, I know this from personal experience, there are people in this world who only want to hurt others, that is the only way they can feel happy, those are the people that we all need to be watchful of. Sometimes these people start off as the nicest people that we have ever met, and it is only when we trust them that they turn on us.

Trust. . . the one feeling I have trouble with. I have been betrayed so many times. Some of those times, I admit, were my fault, but others were completly out of my control. Looking back I can see that now. But every time I learn, I see new traits in people that I didn’t even think to look for previously. I have been working hard at letting go of all the grudges that I have been holding on to. They are only a waste of my energy, and my energy is precious to me now. Just like my heart. My delicate heart.  A friend, who is a musician, wrote something about how musicians think. . . she said that they fall in love too fast. I think that I have that problem to a certain extent. I know that I am desperatly searching for that "connection" and there are times that I am terrified that I will never find it. I know that I look for it all the time. My heart is big and fragile. I know that it is my fault sometimes that it is stepped on. I know that I am too willing to throw it out there and let others care for it. There is nothing more that I can say, only realize this mistake and learn from it.

Life, love, trust, relationships, friends. . . all things that grow and change us as we live. Life is short and at any moment it can end, without warning, without reason. Learning is one of the most important things that we can do in our short time here. Learning, responding, adding to the world. This world is full of butterfly effects, positive and negative. Most of the time we will never realize what we have done and the effect that it will have on others down the line. We must always be aware of this, and keep this in mind with everything that we do. I never used to do this, but I do think about it in the back of my mind now. I grow and change every day. New experineces help me to grow, change, and live everyday. I am happy for this life I have and I hope to make others happy too, because I know there are people out there who don’t feel happy for life. I used to be one of them, and now I want others to realize that life is what you make of it. You just have to fight to make it happen.