darkness swirls… may trigger

So many people have been coming to me on here and asking me why I cut… and why don’t I just stop.

What no one seems to realize is that its not that easy. Some people just can’t understand it. People like Geoff could and will never understand it. When we were together he didn’t understand it… he told me that he "better not ever find out that I cut again"

Cutting is an addiction… whether you are addicted to the pain, or the blood, or the release… it is an addiction. I don’t remember why I started… Chris probably remembers… he was the first person that I ever told about it. For me, cutting is a doorway. It lets the pain out that I can’t take anymore and lets me realize that I am still alive and still here. More and more now I feel numb and empty… I feel so dead inside and cutting brings me back to reality. It snaps me back to the shit life that I live, but atleast I know that I am still here. But I think the main reason that I do it is to get rid of some of the emotional pain that I feel and let myself feel some physical pain instead. I have been trying to stop cutting for about 3 years now… and Chris was the only one who ever kept me from doing it.

I want to stop, well part of me does, but another part of me doesn’t. There is a part of me that likes to cut… that looks forward to the escape… to sit in the bathroom and just watch my pain bleed away. Don’t think that I am fooling myself… I know the escape is only temporary, but any escape is better then none. I hurt so much everyday…. I try so hard not to cry. These feelings that I have now… they remind me so much of how I was freshmen year.

My freshmen year… I hit rock bottom. I mean total, abyss of hell bottom. It was freshmen year that my depression had taken over my life. I was ana for awhile, mia for awhile… I tried to commit suicide, maybe that is where I first started cutting? I don’t know. I had lost all desire for life… I was just waiting for death. I stopped caring about school, I stopped caring about myself. I was dying emotionally. It was Chris that found me… pulled me back from the edge and saved me. He talked to me when no one else would. He was there for me.

He had this way of showing up and my house everytime I was about to cut, or try to kill myself, or runaway… everytime there he was. Knocking on my door asking me to come out and talk. It was his love and his protection that made me stop cutting for a while. But the depression didn’t stay away and the cutting came back… Chris got busy and we lost touch for awhile. My cutting was getting out of control, but then Chris and I got together. He pulled me back again from the edge. Saving me as only he can.

The whole time that we were together… all 3 years I only cut one time.

When Chris and I broke up the cutting urges came back and I cut not to long after I started dating Geoff. I should have realized the sign that he wasn’t the one, but I just kept on suffering. Everytime my heartache gets to be too much… everytime the urge to end it all enters my mind I cut. Cutting is the only thing that is pulling me away from the edge right now. Chris isn’t there. I keep reaching for him, but he keeps turning his back to me as if he wanted me to fall. The edge is calling to me, but the cutting keeps me one step away from death. It is my escape and release from the pain. When everything inside me is screaming I just cut and that takes away enough pain so that I can keep going.

I don’t expect that I can really explain how it makes me feel. There is so much comfort in the blade…. in the pain… in seeing the blood seap from my skin. Watching it makes me feel like I am in control and alive. The other day when I cut I felt as if my heart was being ripped from my body… and I kept trying to push it back inside of me, but I couldn’t. But then I cut my wrist in my usual spot… and the pain subsided for awhile. So I could move on from the pain and get away from it.

The edge calls to me… and my love… my savior isn’t there this time and I am not enough to save myself. I was never strong enough to save myself… I need my love to come save me. I hope that he can soon because there will be nothing left of me soon. Cutting is my salvation now…

Shazar

September 11, 2006

The hardest thing for me to learn, and accept, is that if I couldn’t save myself, then I couldn’t hope to save anyone else. And no where was that more prevalent than in my relationship with my Ex. I put all my faith and redemption in her; and it was a long time before I realized that I had a say, that I was in charge of my Self. The choices are yours, and you too are your own savior.

*hugs* I understand babe. I love you <3

Red_James

start somethign physical.. like boxing, martail arts, working out, running.. somethign liek that… it will stop you from cutting

RX♥queen//

September 12, 2006

x’s&o’s i know how you feel. i hate it when people don’t underdstand, but i know you will get through it. eventually…ela

This Opinion of Mine

hey hunni, yeah, i hate when people dnt understand and are just like why don’t you just stop??…um..i cnt.. i mean wud u throw away ur heroin..or ur coke..jus give up on that…do ana’s just start eating..ppl expect that alot aswell..that they’ll jus eat and be okay..meh dumb people lol…jus remember hun: – You don’t have to ever explain yourself to anyone if you don’t want to!!-

i went through a time when i stopped cutting..it was like a month and a half – two months tho..cos of dez..cos i cud talk to him about anything..when i was hurting i jus had to call him..but that kinda faded out..i continued cuting and stuff..neways..i think u did explain how it makes u feel and stuff very well..i know it’s hard right now hun..i’m not strond enough to get thru this alone either..

i want someone just to come hold me and tell me it will all be okay, i will be okay.. like right now this second would be good… i hope ur okay hun, take care, i luffles you loads <333 *hugs* charli .x.

good morning, dear one. even if it’s not. i’m glad you noted me. cutting is a part of my past, and i remember all too well the addictiveness of it. no one who hasn’t done it has any idea how strong the pull is. i can’t pretend to have some magic insight. you said it in your last paragraph. you are not and never have been strong enough to save yourself. none of us are. but cutting is not

a salvation. at best… cutting is a temporary salve. it’s like putting a band-aid on a badly infected wound. i would so love to give you the one answer that would make any difference to you whatsoever, but i can’t do that… not unless you want me to, anyway. it’s not my place to tell you what i believe is the only way out unless you want to hear it. but in the meantime, if you need

someone to listen, who’s been there, and who’s not going to judge you… please email me or get ahold of me in some other way. i DON’T mind. i’m not going to tell you not to cut (although if you were to call me and tell me you were about to cut, i would help you set limits like what you were using and how deep. but i know it does no good to tell a cutter not to cut. so i’m not going to make

you feel like shit because you did it again. email: phoenixshiloh@yahoo.com aim: phoenix shiloh or writerbaby219 phone: 928.699.979 my name’s phoenix, obviously. in the meantime, please try to be gentle with yourself. i know it’s a tall order. i have a tattoo on my left forearm (used to be my favourite location for cutting) and it says “ahimsa,” which means “self care” or “do no harm”

i got it last march or april. i’d been wanting it for awhile, and it was a birthday present from my older sister. i was still cutting at the time– the tattoo didn’t always stop me– but even when it didn’t, it stayed there, as a piece of my philosophy even when it was one i couldn’t live up to at the moment. and it’s a piece of mental and emotional philosophy, as well as physical.

enough for now. i know i’m a total stranger to you so i don’t expect you to call me. but i wanted you to have the option available because i don’t know if you have someone you can talk to who won’t judge you. and if you don’t, it’s a necessity. blessings.

This is sooooooo sad. Why people suffer like that is beyond me. You will definitely be in my prayers but in the meantime, please hang on…….[jerry]

oh hun big hug i know how you feel and thanks for your advice and i did try but it did’nt go that way so anywho i kow how you feel there can be days were i would just shut myself away and cut trying to remind myself that i’m alive that i can feel i’m here if you need me ttyl

September 13, 2006

yeah that way is generally easier lol <33 charli .x.

leaden.wings

yeah, cutting is intense, and a horrible addiction, but i quit. and it was SO hard. have you found a therapist? good luck hun *hugs* me.