coming to a close

I am supposed to be cooking dinner with Chris right now… but I am so in OD withdrawl that I just had to write something. Chris and I had another talk today… we talked about marriage and children.. down the line with things are more on track with us… and then right after that he brought up the whole, and I need to get a gf to try and help the situation, since I want to get that out of the way before we get married. I will go into more detail on that later… it is all really complicated.

I was hoping that I could run away from my relationship problems while I was on vacation, but I should have knowon that was too good to be true. I have never felt so empty and worthless… but everytime I turn around Chris is finding another way to knock me down another notch.

I want so badly for everything to work and I know that I am in for a world of pain before this gets any better, but I am not giving up on us. I know that everyone has told me to, but I am not. I will stand by Chris and hope that he can rekindle the "in" love feeling that he once had.

I find myself feeling more empty and alone and I know that once he starts to bring other girls into it I will only feel more alone. I am not looking forward to the depression that is coming… I think that I am going to hold off on trying to beat this cutting thing too… I know that I will never be able to make it with everything that is soon to start happening so I am not about to make myself feel worse, and more like a failure by cutting. Cause I know that it is going to happen… I have thought about it eight times today alone. I don’t know that to think…. I don’t know how to feel… but I do know that I love Chris with more then I am… I do know that I want to marry him and have children with him… and some of you might think that I am crazy… some of you might think that I am stupid for putting up with all this, but I don’t care.

I took everyone’s advice before and ended the most wonderful relationship that I ever had and now I am regretting it. I ended it because I thought that he didn’t love me and I thought that he didn’t care, but now I know how he treats you when that really is true and I would give anything to go back.

I feel like nothing… and I can’t stop crying, but I know that in the end he is the one that I am supposed to be with

I know it.