chaos theory

For some reason I just couldn’t let that entry be all I wrote today. Though there are only 4 min left in today I just felt compelled to write something more.

I have been sitting here reading and thinking since Chris is busy doing homework. I just got done making dinner and eating with Chris and I couldn’t help but think how easily I went from living with the rentals in my room, hardly fending for myself, to living with a husband in a place of our own, 7 hours from my family and my friends, being a housewife or more so, an adult. There were so many people before that doubted my ability to be able to handle it, to be "mature" enough to take on the responsibility.

I was looking at the calendar and it struck me that I won’t see my family until November, and the end of November at that. Its strange to go from seeing them everyday and wanting to be out of the house so badly, to now feeling, disconnected, in a way, from them. It is still August so I have almost 3 months until I see my mum. I never thought that it would happen but I miss her. I find myself thinking about her sometimes, wondering if she is happy with how her life turned out. Sometimes I don’t think that she is, I sometimes think that she is disappointed in where she ended up. But I feel as if I should keep an eye on her and that is difficult from 7 hours away. It doesn’t make me sad. Sad isn’t the word that I would use to describe it… the only word that still fits is disconnected. I have my own family now. A new branch that formed on the tree.

Maybe all these thoughts float their way into my mind since my birthday is so close. This will be the first birthday away from my family, but also, my first birthday in a family of my own. No matter how small it may be right now. I would never trade my family for the world.

And it makes me think of the chaos theory. Of the small little things that happen everyday that lead to bigger things, life altering moments, whether they be good or bad. And just because something seems terrible at the time, doesn’t mean that it isn’t chaos theory working its way around to bring something good out of the damage. To think back to how destroyed I was after an ex dumped me. And it was just a small hiccup in my life but it changed everything. One event bleeding into another and another and another and here I am, happy, married, mature, the adult that I would like to think I was meant to be. And sure I still have growing to do, but we all have growing to do no matter how old we are. Life doesn’t stop for you to smell the roses unless you make the time, we can not grow as people unless we make the time to do so. Of course there are things in life that must be done: school, getting a job, paying the bills, but just because those things happen doesn’t mean that we can’t go out searching for those little moments that make all of the mediocrity of life much more then worth while. A butterfly may flap its wings and cause a typhoon on the other side of the world, but that doesn’t mean that the typhoon can’t be the reason we all find a happier ending.

… don’t be afraid, sometimes they come true! … music is my life