can I break down for just a moment

 
Today is marks the halfway point in this stupid training… 10 days left until Chris comes home. I was doing so good… didn’t cry once! I was fine short of the fact that Nicholai hardly sleeps anymore so I’m always tired, but I was doing so good… Chris and I were good.

And then tragedy hits us…

Chris’s cousin was killed in action in Afghanistan. He was 44, married with 2 daughters… gone… just like that. I can’t believe it… that is too close to home. I know that Chris isn’t going to Afghan… but still. That jarred me. He is so angry about it…. talking about killing all the sand rats… talking about how he hates the fucking Army. His cousin was sent over early… he wasn’t supposed to deploy until October. And some terrorist walks into their convoy with a IED strapped to him…. and worlds shatter, people’s lives and snuffed out just like that.

This war makes me SICK. Parents losing their children, wives and husbands losing their other half, children losing their parents… it’s fucking ASSTARDED! And this has changed Chris… he is talking crazy…. it scares me. He is talking about going over there and just shooting everyone. I know he is saying it out of anger, Goddess I hope he isn’t being serious. But it scares me. This isn’t the kind of mindset that he needs to be in before he deploys. This is a dangerous way to be. And I can’t be there for him… he isn’t talking to me about it… he is going into the field so we won’t be able to talk much until Thursday… he won’t be home until Monday… I HATE this war.

This is too close to home. My husband will be deploying… and everyone says you can’t think about things like this because it will drive you crazy but I was up for hours last night bawling my eyes out because it could be me…. it could be my husband who is killed. I don’t know what I would do without Chris… he is my soul mate, the love of my life… I can’t even picture the world without him… and now the thought is in there…. right at the front of my mind. I try not to think about it… not to let it destroy the strength that I’ve built up to survive this deployment.

I wish Chris was home. I wish I could look into his eyes and know that he was ok… that he is still himself…. because the way he is talking…. that isn’t my husband. I always wonder what he will be like when he comes back from deployment, I know he will change but I wonder if he will be anything like that guy I married and then this… he is changing already.

It terrifies me. I will admit it… I’m scared of this deployment. I told me husband that I want him to come home… he shrugged it off like coming home was optional. I want my husband to come home from this deployment.

No family should have to feel like this… no family should have to live like this…. wondering about what their future holds… leaving their future in the hands of the terrorists. Bloody sucks!

My husband is my hero. I know he is trained for this. I know he will be ok… but there is always that fear way way in the back of your mind that you NEVER let yourself think about. And now here it is… thrown in my face. The "could happen to us" that you don’t ever let yourself think about.

I wish he would talk to me…. this is breaking me apart….
 

… don’t be afraid, sometimes they come true! … music is my life