backstabbing….

I warn you all now this might be really long……  &  to those who read it all……

I am sitting in class right now… listening to some guy talk about research papers. Bore… I don’t know how long I will be able to write for so look for an edit later. I just need to talk to everyone here and let you all know what happened and where I stand in all this. Andrew and I started talking about things that have happened over the past couple days when I got home from work last night. We talked for about an hour and a half about everything. He told me that he was sorry and that he was angry about everything. He brought up Rachel again (please remember he didn’t bring up Kim, he brought up Rachel) but I didn’t want to talk about her and the way that he is with her. Shady things have been going down, it feels that way to not only me. The way that he talks to her… the things that he talks about with her. And sure he claims that she is like a sister to him but I see the way he is with my sister, so that makes me skeptical to how he is with her.

But I was attempting to try to salvage something with him, but it was getting late and I had homework. I offered for him to come with me but he said no which was fine… I was pissed so whatever.

So I sit with my sister and talk to her while we both take notes for school. Then Andrew texts her phone to say that he is going for a jog so I figured it would be time for me to leave since I had to get up at 6am for class. I run to the computer to check all my stuff quickly and find that I have a myspace message from a kid I know, Matt. He was Andrew’s best friend and who Kim apparently cheated on Andrew with. So when I saw the message from his I was more then shocked. It said nothing in the message… just a link. So I clicked on it and it was Andrew’s livejournal. I started reading it and almost throw the fucking computer out the window. I couldn’t believe what I was reading…

Andrew’s livejournal~~~ written yesterday ( 1/31/07)~~~

I’m sitting here in bed after getting out of the hos[ital last night with a pissed off gf and the rejection of my ex, my one true love. I wonder about my future. I begged Kim to come back but she refused. She says she is not ready to make a commitment but even if she was would she be able to commit to me? Would it be me she goes for? I doubt highly she doesn’t believe I’ve changed. Could she be waiting for me to leave Laura? I don’t know. My decision is a weird one.

First, I’m going to stay with Laura til either she leaves me, I get fed up beyond all, or Kim comes back to me.

~~~~

I miss Min rolling over and kissing me and saying good morning. I miss her sitting on my lap. Her laying on my lap or in my arms while we watch movies. I miss a lot of things. I dream she is back every night. When I wake up in the morning I turn over only to disappointment that the one laying next to me is not Kim.

I want to change my life and be a better person. My life is nothing if I am not with her. Can she forgive me. Valentines is ruined this year. I didn’t get anything for my BDay this year. I doubt any other holiday will be good. I miss having someone run to me to help them. I want her so bad but she is not here.

Will she ever return? Will I get the gril in the end? I don’t know.

Everytime the door creaks I hold contently that its Kim coming to tackly me and say she loves me and shes mine.

Today I brought her here and wanted her so bad. I wanted to make love to her and everything. At the end of the time with her I had not done anything bc I was upset and hurt. I know that when she is ready for a commitment I won’t be the guy. It hurts me to know she is out there doing whatever with whoever. I hate it. I wish she was holding on to me right now.

Why can’t I be what u need, a new improved version of me, I’m nothing so good no I’m nothing, just dust, a lonely ghost burning down songs.

I break in 2 over you, and each piece of me dies, only u can give the breath of life, I need u, yes I do…..

Kim, I break in 2 over u. Each day I kie knowing its not u I’m with. I want u back so we can share the life we once had. I love everything about u…. ur touch, taste, voice, and sex. My heart is yours for the taking. Please take it……

-Distance

There are more entries like that talking about me and who I am not the one for him and how he wants Kim back. I was fucking livid when I read all this shit. So I printed the entries out and went to his place to confront him about that. All the while knowing that he had been lying to my face about everything…. knowing that he had been "emotionally" cheating on me if not physically cheating on me… since I don’t trust in one fucking word he has to say now. I feel like such a fucking fool… I have been trying to fix this and for what? To have him do this and hurt me… like he promised me that he wouldn’t. I let him see me cry last night and I am ashamed of it… that I cried in front of him about it. I shouldn’t care really…. I should have known this would happen… that he would hurt me. I should have known, but I listened to his lies and believed them like a stupid girl. He keeps telling me how sorry he is and how he was just writing that all out of anger. But that doesn’t make it right…. that doesn’t make it ok….. that doesn’t make me feel better at all.

After we argued about all that he started to get really sick so there I was again… swallowing my putrid anger and loathing and hurt and pain to take care of him til after 3am. So less then 3 hours of sleep for me again. More heartache, knowing that I put faith in someone else just to have them turn around and stab me in the back, then turn me around and look at my teary eyed face and lie to me that they had done it. It hurts… maybe I should give up on love for awhile. Maybe I wasn’t meant to be with someone… maybe I was meant to live alone and as sad as that is I guess I can manage. I did it before and if I have to I can do it again. </fon

t>

Andrew is asking me for another chance and part of me wants to give it to him, but I don’t know if what he did is something that I can forgive and forget. I don’t trust him anymore… maybe he did something with Kim? Rachel? Other girls? I don’t know what to think now. I don’t know what to think…