and it starts

Well… here we are… Chris deployed early this morning…. It’s only been a couple hours now but I still am doing ok. I haven’t shed one tear yet, though that may change as the day goes on. We went to his company way too early in the morning, poor Nicholai was so confused as I pulled him out of bed and put him in the car but he did so well! He didn’t get cranky until about an hour into the wait and I got some really cute pics of him with Chris.

I am just in shock. I still can’t believe that he is deployed, that I won’t see him for 6-12 months. We kissed and hugged and off he went, onto the bus… I stayed and the bus pulled off and that was it…. my best friend, my soul mate, the love of my life…. sent overseas to serve his duty to our country. I looked at the calendar and I can’t imagine going through all these months without Chris here. I can’t even describe how it feels…. I don’t think there is an emotion for this. It’s worry, dread, anticipation, lonliness, and courage all wrapped up into one emotion. I’ve never felt anything like this before. Even with the last deployment that I went through with my ex… this is different… so much different. My husband, the father of my son is gone and I don’t know when I will see him again…. it’s alot to process and unless you have been through it or are going through it I don’t think there are words to really describe it.

As soon as I came home I put one of his dogtags on. I plan on keeping it on from now until the day he comes home…. my own little piece of my husband, secure around my neck and tucked into my shirt right by my heart. I know some military wives may think it’s stupid but I don’t care…. it’s my way (besides my beautiful wedding rings) of representing my commitment and my life and my heart to him.

I know we can do this… and sure that is easy to say now on Day 1 when Nicholai hasn’t started waking up a million times at night and I’m still thinking to all the kissing and hugging and holding hands that we just did before he left but I still feel strong and I know that we can do this. I have so much stuff to do in the next month, so much stuff that I have to do today. And I have to be strong for my little sweetie boy, I have to be Nicholai’s rock through this, though he will be too young to remember it that way. But I’m ready, I’m ready to take this on, I’m ready to conquer this deployment.

I think that I’m going to go to LLL today. That is in about 2 hours. I have to go by Sprint and get Chris’s cell phone turned off, I have to register the Fe, I have to vaccum the floor and take out some trash, drop off the recycles, call my Grammommy and my mum. I have to text the MIL and let her know that Chris deployed…. start getting together things for Chris’s first care package and find a box big enough… pay some bills… I have so much to do.

Guess I should get started and I’m going to have to wake Nicholai up. Poor little guy crashed not long after we got home.

I know we can do this. I know I can do this…. I know it!