all I want is just one day

And again it has been forever since I have been here… or atleast it feels that way. There has just been so much going on. Army Chris came down for the weekend and crashed at my house which of course caused issues with my father. He kicked Army Chris out of the house late Sunday/early Monday. I had such a great weekend though despite it all. Army Chris and I watched movies…. he played his guitar for me… we sat around and talked for hours. It was so nice to have someone there that cares about me, kind of made me wish that Rob was home and miss him a little bit more, but Army Chris is an amazing friend. Hell…. he even comforted me when I was crying my eyes out because Chris was being an asshole to me.

On Saturday…. despite the fact that Chris was treating me like shit… getting angry with me and everything…. again leaving me crying my eyes out but I went to Grounds for Sculptor with Army Chris, John, and his girlfriend Erin. I must admit that even though it started out bad…. the rest of the day was great. After we walked around the Grounds, which Army Chris really liked, we went to Applebees. It was so nice to just hang out with my friends and get away from all the past drama. Just be myself. I got a really horrible headache though but when we got back home Army Chris lulled me to sleep with his guitar. It was nice to have someone in my room, even though he slept on the floor and I slept on the bed, it was so much less lonely, less empty. Sunday Army Chris and I watched movies all day… John stopped over for a bit. I wish that my room had been in better shape but other then that I had a great time.

Of course what great time doesn’t come with a shitload of drama? My mum was freaking out about me sitting in my room all day, my father told me that I was a common slut, Chris was pissed off at me because I hung out with Army Chris all weekend.

Rob and I got to talk on AIM and on the phone. He sent me 2 more things for my birthday. One, a dark green vase with chinese dragons and a Halo 3 edition zune, yeah thats right… a ZUNE! OMG!! I told him that he was crazy and he was spending way too much money on me. I feel bad because I don’t have money to spend on him and the things that I want to get for him I can’t anyway because of where he is. He also told me that the only way he was going to get to Ft. Drum after this tour was if he reenlisted for another 3 years! He asked me what I thought about it… I honestly don’t know. I mean… I know that a huge part of him loves the Army and wants to stay in, but as I found out he really misses me like crazy. He has been doing a really good job of hiding that side of himself away from me. We had our first really serious deep internal conversation in a long time…. and that only makes it harder. I mean, I really want a "normal" relationship. I want to be able to see my boyfriend, hold his hand, kiss him, lay in bed together, lay out under the stars…. I miss all of those things. I miss having that kind of physical side of a relationship and another 3 years… another deployment…. another how ever long time apart… I just don’t know how I will handle it other then the fact that I will have to. I don’t know if he decided yet or not and if he did what he actually decided. I don’t want this decision to be mine though. I told him that I will deal no matter what, but he is the one that will be in… he will be the one that is away. I don’t want that on my head, Chris still regrets leaving the Marines for me, hangs it over my head every once in a while, like I asked him to do it. I don’t want that to be between us. Hanging over our heads like this nasty little black cloud of resentment. I don’t know what to think about that whole situation….. ugh I just want him home so I can run into his arms and wrap mine around him and never let him go til the end of time. I hate this.

School started yesterday. My busiest day is today… I have 2 day classes, then work, and then my 2 1/2 hour night class. Wednesdays are going to be insane. The 2 classes that I had yesterday seem like they will be ok. I am still a bit worried about the math classes and geometry is today so I guess I will have to just wait and see how it goes. I went out with Aaron and my mum yesterday to get school supplies. I am now prepared for the year. This weekend I have to look into the colleges that I want to transfer to, get applications and everything. I guess that Rob and I are up in the air as far as when we will actually get to have that "normal" relationship so all I can do is go on with my life, school, work, and hope that some time in the near future he and I actually get to be together together and not together apart.

I also sucked it up and sent Amanda a message on myspace telling her how I felt about being ditched over the summer. I guess that I must have done something because when I told her that she didn’t have to reply to it she told me that she did because she had things that she wanted to say too. I guess I just wish that I knew what I did so that I could learn…. I have never been good at having girls as friends and I thoght that Amanda was different, but I don’t know…. maybe I was wrong about that. And she has a boyfriend now, school is back, we both have work, so I don’t know if we will ever find time to hang out again or if she even wants to. I guess I will just have to wait and see what she replies back to me…. just one more thing that I fucked up I guess. *sigh*

So that has been what I have been doing the past couple days. Ups and downs, good and bad, happy and sad…

 

 

 

 

Summer book list

 

1. Chicken Soup for the Military Wife’s Soul… 307 pages

2. Twilight (book 1) by Stephenie Meyer… 498 pages

3. New Moon (book 2) by Stephenie Meyer… 567 pages

4. Eclipse (book 3) by Stephenie Meyer… 629 pages

5. Echohawk by Lynda Durrant… 12 pages in

6

. True Magick: A beginner’s guide by Amber K… 4 pages in

7. Blue is for Nightmares by Laurie Faria Stolarz… 283 pages in