Difficult decisions

    Today started well. Nothing stressful whatsoever. I received an e-mail from the head of payroll over at the school. She replied today saying that she needs my address in order to mail it here. I can use that to fill out the rest of my fafsa and for my DCLEAP form. Thank the Lord for the Pell Grant and DCLEAP. If my Pell Grant comes out to the same amount that I usually receive, then I’d be able to go to school for cheap or for free. However, it’ll be a long shot before that happens.

     Just found out today that Dave Chappelle checked into a mental institution. The news said that the partying, illness, and the creative problems due to pressure to get out material for the third season was tiring him out. I hope that he recovers from whatever he is suffering from.

     I had a very interesting conversation with my mother. Now I feel bad for being more prone to go to friends than to her with things whether it’s distressful or pleasurable. Then I feel horrible for not being even an okay daughter. My mother and I haven’t lived together since I was ten because she refused to take me to public school or to get my shots, so social services got a court order for me to live with my sister. Through out that time I was afraid to be with my mother alone because I believed that she might tell me to run away from my sister’s home or that I was disobedient by going to field trips and the such. My stomach ached so much from the possibility of a chance meeting with her.

    When I got older, I could have stayed in touch with her more. Once more, I didn’t. I feel more guilty about that. It’s true that she has our family, but she doesn’t have any other friends.It’s like I betrayed her. She also wasn’t obligated to give birth to me. Whatever. It’s not like I am going to have a breakdown or something. I won’t be able to see my friends much this year, but once my mom sees that I’m not going to desert her, then I’d be able to see my friends again. I’d get through this without any problem.

—Totus Tuus