A page from my random life

    My day was extremely pathetic. Sleeping away my day isn’t what I planned for it. I wanted to at least call Borders for to arrange a job interview. For reasons unknown, I am worried about the possibility of me not being hired. My whole summer depends on what happens in that interview. This job is going to be the only way for me to go outside and maybe take the subway alone. At the moment, I am holed up in my mother’s house feeling like a prisoner. Luckily I haven’t succumbed to depression.

     Do you know that I only went outside one time within the past couple of weeks? I’m not really allowed to venture out the house. If I leave, I will have no place to live. Back to the streets for me. I cannot go back to being homeless. I just can’t do it anymore. It just feels like I am not human anymore. It’s as if she sees me as a pet that’s been disobedient for awhile that needs disciplining. This is probably unfounded, but I can barely stand this anymore. I haven’t seen or really talked to my friends in weeks. I had to cancel a trip to visit a friend out of state because I have  to choose my family or my friends.

     The choice was hard because if I refused to follow her bidding or show resistance against an idea, she’d most likely put me out and encourage my other family members to not talk to me. However, I felt like I owe her my life. I haven’t lived with her since I was ten, and I refused to talk to her in my teens. I just feel guilty like I committed a wrong that I can’t put into words.

      I was playing mahjong on yahoo when I started talking about sex and other subjects with this guy from HK. That was really random.

—Totus Tuus