ghost

I would dream about her even though she has no business in my dreams. 

i let myself dream of her. I let myself want her and fall into this dark pit of longing. 

I let myself feel the pain. 

I let myself want her even when I know she will do nothing but hurt me.

I let the boundaries fall and open my heart to complete obliteration..

anything just to feel her again. 

anything just to be in her arms if only to feel the knife of watching her go. 

so many memories people would never know. 

bad memories. scars. cuts that are still sore and I miss her. 

sickening myself with the admittance. using the grief. 

rolling around in the loss and feeling every bit of harm done.

she was deep and dark. a tragedy and my savior all at once. 

i would paint for her. write for her. sing to her. listen to her songs.

she would cover me. come over me. hold me close. and let me hold her back…

i miss her.

her boldness. her quietness. her mood swings and my incorrigible rages.

her skin. her hair. her eyes, her voice, her smile.. Her scent…the way she would boast..

my dreams and my waking hours are sweet nightmares to me

desperately clinging to the shadow of a ghost.