Past/present/future
Today’s is a two parter as I let go of some past and talk about some other stuff.
Previously I had an entry where I revealed a name, relinquished the power, and removed it from my present to let it rest where it belongs: in my past. Here is some more. I know we weren’t together long and I remember saying those crazy words that seemed so easy at the time "I’ll wait for you" it was silly and I was young and idealistic. But here we are now several years down the line and I remember hoping that we could retain some sort of friendship however the more i have review and viewed things I wonder how much of a friendship we really had afterwards… So here you go Dani, just another part of the abyss that is my past. I remember what followed. A mess of self hatred and loathing and falling for someone who hated the person i was and wanted the person they thought I was. Instead of seeing me for my self and I walked along with it and just became a mess. A perfect mess and lost so much of what I really was and even now I am only slowly getting the pieces of who I really am in order. It has been a long road but you made forgetting you so easy… So here you go Jacquelin… just another part of the abyss that is my past…
So I have been wondering more and more in the past several days if anyone would even notice if I just disappeared. I have heard talk about people who care about me and not that I doubt those that say they do but I wonder if it is simply because I am there. I get told how one friend cares about me but has a complete inability to show it. And I know that we are both emotionally stunted but even then I still try to go out of my way to let the people around me know that I care. I feel like I try at least. However, again, i wonder how much exists in my life simply because I put forth the effort or I go out of my way instead of people genuinely wanting to be a part of my life.. It goes back to the entry I had a while ago about the state of the male psyche in modern America and how we are not supposed to emotional. Ever. Period. It worries me. it worries me that I may never get the emotional validation that I seek so much from the people around me. I also wonder if it will affect my future romantic relationships. I like PDA and grandiose displays of affection and love. I like to hold hands and hug and say I love you every time I hang up the phone or leave the room… mostly in fear that it may always be the last chance I get to say just that. You never know what may happen one moment from the next…
just think about that. Would you want the last words said to someone you love or heard from someone you love to be harsh… Even when I was fighting I never left the room without saying I love you… I even tell my friends that I love them or that I care about them as much as possible. Which has created a huge issue for some of my friends with that whole "homosexuality" stigma… stupid thought process it is…
So here I am… seeking emotional and social validation again. I am terrified to say anything to the people around me because I am unsure of their reactions so I let it all out here for I am sure no one to read…
Sorry…
~Sky~