No Support

Its okay really. I guess I have to get used to this eventually. I have such an issue making decisions on my own and all I ever look for is some version of support from someone… really anyone around me. I talk about my ideas and/or desires and all I get told are the negatives. Like I said I guess I should have become used to that by now. It is all I have ever had. I remember when I wanted to join the army all I got told was the negative bits and even my mother tore it down from the ideal or the path I wanted to take. I remember the first time I went to college and all I was told was how there were so few jobs in my field and how the degree I was going to get would be rated lower than a traditional college’s degree. I got told how my old job was junk and even when I got promoted it was never enough. I know that I cannot blame anyone else for my decisions because they are mine… It is just so hard to look at something as positive when you have no support and are only told the negative…

This feeling comes from a few days ago. I presented to my friends a desire to return to school and get a degree as an educator (I want to be a teacher) All I was told is that schools are losing funding and cutting programs and that the cost of college compared to the income is so disproportionate. All I wanted was one of the people I surround myself with to say was "That’s a great idea Schuyler and here’s why. You should pursue this and here is how." What I didn’t want to hear was (in more words) "That is a dumb idea" I just want someone from my day to day to support me… It is so hard to do this completely alone.

And alone I am. Again something I should be used to since I have been doing it for 25 years. My parents were always so busy with everything else and after they split my brother and sister were the ones who got the attention. As an example, when I moved out last year I moved all of my possessions by myself. I bought all my own home stuff (toiletries dishes furniture) by myself. I never asked nor received any help from my parents. Flash forward my sister moved out early this month. She has not spent a dime on it but here apartment is furnished she has new dishes towels curtains… It left me wonder where my assistance was when I moved out. When my car broke down (which has happened on a couple of occasions) did I get any help from my parents or siblings? No, I walked from where it was to where I needed to be I carried parts paid for them myself walked to where the car was…I learned to do a random slew of car repairs by myself simply because I needed to. I messed up my brakes once because I had no help learned to change those on my own. I remember the first time I changed my own tire and didn’t tighten the bolts enough. All this shit that some would say "Well that’s a life lesson for you" That I realize that a lot of kids my age had some fucking help to figure that shit out… I have had no help or direction, guidance, lessons on making and following a budget and honestly I still haven’t gotten it pounded out completely because I do the same shit my parents did… "All the bills are paid and I still have money left? Lets do something fun"… seriously… and then some shit or another happens and here I am again… fucked.

All I want… is some support in this whole being an adult. I suck at being an adult. I know I do. I just want help. I want to know how to do better. I want to know… how to grow up.

Am I bitter? A little. Do I resent? No. Do I regret? No. I know that I am who I am because of the events of my past and honestly I am okay with who I am… mostly.

~sky~