False Flags

 It is so easy to talk a big game. To tell everyone how things are different and all I am working on is being happy. It is also easy to let them accept that as truth. Like they take it all at face value and never question it deeper and hopefully they don’t look close enough to see the lies or the tears that you are willing so hard not to fall. 

I know now that everything is the way it is because that is the way it is supposed to be. I know how easy it is to say that. I know how easy it is to tell people that god would never give more than you can deal with and that the supreme architect or creator or builder is sympathetic and benevolent and that all of it will work out in the end. I know how easy it is to tell someone all of those things… However, it is so much more vastly difficult to implement those ideals, thoughts, and beliefs into your own life.

I wonder some days if truly it is faith/religion/god that my life is missing. With no exception it seems like anyone in my personal life with happiness has one of those things.

I did what I though was right for both of us when I told her it wasn’t working out and that something fundamental had changed and I believed we were not going to work out. I did what I though I needed to when I left her. It doesn’t mean I don’t love her or care for her just that I did not believe we should be together. That we were not going to work and it was better to be apart then trapped in a one sided relationship and ultimately we both will be happier.

However, now I feel like I haven’t in a long while. Falling through the abyss just waiting to hit bottom… or perhaps I have. Whatever it is in this life that I am missing I really want to find it. I want love but not a one sided unrequited love a mutual complete lasting love that encompasses both of us and all facets of our life. I want the romantic version of a relationship I know has to exist out there somewhere…

Then i look at the people around me that I love and care about. One is in the same place as me… One is breaking down it seems most days, one is being attacked for his love… One is mired in the mistakes of his past… That’s when I feel selfish worrying about my issues.

So what am I to do? I am angry/sad/disappointed in my self and the more I get the more it makes me… 

Gotta love it I guess…

~Sky

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Just some more to add. I am at work and really have nothing to do but think. 

I just wish that one part of the confident part of me that I know exists (mostly because I was getting there before my last debacle) was prominent everyday. I wish that my regular rational mind was capable of seeing something in me that was worth other people’s time so I be engaging and positive and seek what I want with some level of ability… I know that there is more to me I just wish I was capable of showing/being it…

Gotta hate it… god I hate it…

I wish I could make a list of 10 positive things about myself… but most days I have issue with just one…