Wrestling with my thoughts
These past few days I have been having an ongoing battle in my mind. I keep thinking back and forth from recovery to restriction. It seems I can’t seem to make up my mind. I tell myself I want to eat normally and be happy and not care about my weight. At the same time, I think I just want to lose a little bit more first or I will just eat a little bit more and still restrict because I only feel good when I restrict. It seems I can’t decide what I want to do. I feel ok when I eat moderate amounts but then sometimes I end up binging and feel out of control and that pushes me back into restricting again and the cycle goes on. It seems a never ending cycle. I hate it. If the scale goes up even a pound, whether it be from a glass of water or coffee or some food, it puts me into total panic mode. Being as it was Easter, I told myself I could eat more and now I have gained weight. I feel horrible and have decided this week is total restriction. I hate the weight I have gained and feel fat and think I look like I whale all of a sudden. But then I tell myself when normal people eat, they too probably gain a little weight and they don’t instantly fatten up before your eyes. So, shouldn’t it be the same for me? Doesn’t seem so.
random note: i wish you the best.
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I have eating issues too….doesn’t seem fair to have to think about eating, weight etc…when eating is such a natural part of life…but everything in moderation..that includes restricting & eating…
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perhaps if you got rid of any scales in your house, it might help you to not be constantly monitoring when you gain half a pound or not…and then just have a friend witha scale that you can go to once a week or something, to monitor it that way? just a suggestion…
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((((((hugs)))))) battles in your own head are the worst. I use to have them all the time. It has gotten better since I started getting it all out in this journal and in therapy. Glad you get it out too. It will get better hun.
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yes, normal people bloat out a bit after eating. some of us call it a “food baby” and some of us get it more than others. it’s a disgusting fat feeling, but it goes away. also, re: weight fluxuations during the day; it happens naturally. people typically weigh differently in the morning than they do at night. the key is to weigh yourself every day so you actually know what’s going on. <P> i hope you end up going on the path to recovery, if anything for your kids. also, watch your daughter carefully if she starts gymnastics if you don’t want her to go down the same ed path as you.
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