Welcome back Anorexia.

Well, I guess I should have known what my food restrictions were leading to. Anorexia is again back to haunt me. I was remaining stable at my weight for awhile and was quite happy with myself. Of course I still woke up everyday thinking I would try my best to eat less, but nonetheless I didn’t starve myself. If I felt hungry, I ate. The thing that was keeping my weight on was my night eating cuz I could go through the day eating not too much. At night I ruined it by snacking. Anyways, the past 5 days or so I have not been letting myself eat at night and saw that in just a few days I lost 5 lbs. That of course motivated me to also restrict my day time eating. I am consistently losing weight again and my husband has noticed. He has said are you eating, you look horrible. Although I am not super skinny, I guess I have lost enough for him to notice. I feel horrible about it. But I can’t tell you what I high I feel when I lose weight. I feel like I am on drugs or something. I feel worthy, like I am good enough, have a purpose and that I am somebody. Without my ED I feel like nobody. I love my hunger pains, my cold hands and feet because all this tells me that I am on the right track to getting skinny again. I know this isn’t good thinking, but it’s my thinking.

I am no longer seeing my therapist as I stopped seeing him when I was better. I tend to go in cycles that way. Not sure why he distances from me when I am doing good seeing as I always end up right back at the starting point. Seems to me like there’s something we are not doing right. Anyways, was thinking bout calling him on Monday and asking to see him again but then I am also scared to do that too. Sometimes when I see someone for my ED it motivates me to keep on losing weight as I am extremely fearful of seeing my therapist one time being skinny and the next being fatter. To me that equals failure, ugliness, powerlessness, etc.

AHHHH…I wish this damn disorder would have never happened to me.

convoyeur

maybe you could try a woman therapist? I tend to prefer female doctors because their bodies and brains work more closely to the way mine work. much luck and love to you,

heid31

December 20, 2010

Sorry you are struggling again hun. HUGS!

It’s not that your failing it’s that you haven;t sorted out what’s really bothering you. I’ve been there done that still battle today but you have to be strong for your kids. Your daughter will copy you more and more growing up and will mimic you as she gets older. Do you want her to be anorexic too? Its not about you being a size 0 or whatever weight anymore to be good enough, ur good enough

You need to have someone there for the good and bad times not just when you’re at your bad. If you stop start you’re not going to get anywhere and he sounds like he needs to be re trained if he’s allowing that. You need to address the issues making you revert back. Until you do that this will be your cycle and eventually your daughter will follow suit unless u can beat it. It’s been proven.

daughters will follow their mothers eating habits, dieting and body obsessing. Is this really what you want your daughter to be like a little version of you? You can change this you can heal whatever it is holding you back, whatever it is ana is masking for you. You can win the battle if you want to.

Find a new therapist a female even, you need to get to the root of the problem or problems so you can finally win the fight. Yo need someone to talk to who is trained in dealing with eating disorders not someone with little to no knowledge, or who’s read a text book it wont help. Also you need to rid scales in your house or you’ll forever be on them. Ive done this all ive beat my battle 15 yrs ltr

you can too it takes time and faith and commitment regardless of how hard it is and how tired you get of fighting its worth it to be free. It’s worth seeing your kids growing up in a healthy home, having a healthy and happy mother. You’ll see when you’re ready too. You have to be ready or you’ll just keep going in circles. Are you ready to recover?