Thoughts

So this is something I wrote after my last episode of self harm which caused MCFD  to be involved again as they say I am HIGH RISK and are worried that I might unintentionally harm myself and my kids might wake up and see it. I wrote this about a week ago…frustrated

I wanna advocate for myself and for everyone else struggling with mental health who can’t find the right words or the voice to speak up. Let me tell you a bit of my story. Since I was 15, probably even before that, I felt lost, alone and confused. I found my way of making people hear my inner pain was through self harming. It all startled innocently. I have to give some background to make it all make sense. Well, my siblings and I grew up on a farm with no tv, just hard work and strict rules.  One day we were finally getting satellite tv installed and it had been years of watching the same damn movies over and over again. I was so excited at the possibility of having tv to watch…..we all were. So when my dad was adjusting the satellite to get a good signal I was the watchdog at the window banging on it when the signal was strong to tell him to stop moving it. I guess I got so excited when I saw the strong signal that I banged on the glass so hard that it broke. I accidentally cut myself in the process. I was so excited at the thought of having tv. Well, on the way to the garbage to throw the glass away, something went through my mind. Not even sure to this day what it was but I took a piece of that broken glass and intentially cut myself. It gave me such a release I can’t even describe it. From that day forward, thoughts of self harm have plagued me daily. It’s a struggle to keep them at bay. These thoughts and subsequent actions I’ve taken on acting them out have gotten me in a lot of trouble. I’ve had MCFD intervene twice now as they are fearful that my kids might walk in and see me in a horrid state or worse…dead unintentionally but dead non the less. I’ve tried so hard to explain when they ask what trgguered my actions, but I’ve come up empty. It’s so hard to explain something that you feel internally on a daily basis but just can’t find the words to describe. They always ask what triggered it. For me, a trigger isn’t needed, it’s usually a culmination of so many little things and it just takes one impulsive move. It’s hard to explain that to MCFD  and have them not look at you like you’re crazy. This past experience, one worker told me that it’s sad that society doesn’t see mental illness like they do physical illness. I was grateful to hear her say that but at the same time, here I am being punished, or so I think in my mental state, for having self harmed and trying to scream to anyone to hear me. I’m told my case will be extended until I can get my meds changed as they clearly aren’t working. However, the sad matter of fact is that my psychiatrist is booked until September and the earliest appointment I got was for August 30th. When my dad asked the social workers if I could maybe say to the psychiatrist that this was an emergency and the social workers are wanting me to get in ASAP to change my meds, the social workers replied that I doubt they would care. So here I am being told I need to do this and that to get better and I need to do it fast, yet the resources are unavailable and so I’ll be punished longer if I can’t make magic happen. What a system we have. It’s failing a lot of vulnerable people and that needs to change. How the hell do you expect people who are already struggling mentally to remain strong throughout everything when the resources are so limited and we are being punished or held accountable for not being able to access resources that just aren’t there!