Struggling with my Mind and Sanity…

I haven’t been doing so well lately. Since the day of my therapy appointment, I have been feeling so out of control mood wise. I feel like a crazy lunatic and can’t seem to get myself together. It had nothing to do with seeing my therapist as the mood swings are a constant in my life. It’s just that this past week I haven’t been able to just be ok for a bit. I feel like I am on the brink of insanity. I feel so close to checking myself into the psych ward. It’s like I have nothing left in me to care or give to others. I can’t handle noise, any noise, or demands or anything. I just want to be locked away, alone where nobody can bother me. I am prone to bouts of rage and intense anger and I hate myself for it. I don’t want to be a person that everyone tiptoes around and fears. I want to be a loving, caring person. I just can’t seem to be that right now.

I honestly think that I am just truly worn out from a lot of factors. Some of them are: putting myself last all the time, doing everything for others, not eating or sleeping right, not drinking enough water, my pre-existing mental health problems, marital stress and lack of understanding and support. I feel so lost and alone. I am currently at a healthy weight and have been at this weight for quite awhile, despite my futile efforts to lose weight. Part of me doesn’t care that I am at this weight but part of me does. I guess it’s the ambivilance of it all that is helping me to maintain my weight because I am the type of person who, once I set my mind to something, I go at it with full force and I get what I want and I get it fast.

I have resorted to calling my mom a couple times when I felt really bad. On one occasion I locked myself in my bedroom while the kids were playing in the living room. I just needed the peace and quiet and time to myself. I did come back out. I just feel insane. I meet with my therapist and this female psychiatrist, whom I have seen once before a year ago, on tuesday of this week. I think we are going to try some meds again, sigh. I haven’t been on any medications since I was pregnant with my daughter and she will be 5 in April. I used to take around 5 different types of meds at 5 different times a day and I was like a walking zombie with 50 or so extra pounds on me. So, you can see why I might be a bit hesitant to take anything now.

AAAAHHHH…So, so far, my son has woken up 2 times while I try to write this entry. I feel like freaking out. I just want to fucking time to myself. Is that too much to ask. Sometimes I feel like God is punishing me. He says He won’t give you more than you can handle but surely He must see that I can’t handle this anymore. I want to kill myself. I hate this life. I need some fucking peace. I am going fucking crazy and my husband is going to be away all day tomorrow while I am stuck at home. I feel like I can scream and cry right now. I can’t do this anymore. My body is worn out. I have had a headache on and off for a week now and my chest has been hurting, I feel out of breath all the time. I can just feel all the stress in my body. I want to die. I hate living like this. THIS IS HELL>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>