So lonely

As I am slowly recovering from my ED, I am starting to feel extremely lonely. I guess that must have been part of what I was covering with my food obsession. I am feeling lonely and afraid of life and death. It saddens me a lot to think of how fast time goes by and the fact that you can never get those moments in life back. Change saddens me. People growing up and moving on. Now that I have kids, this fear of mine is even stronger. I guess you could say I have always been an extremely sensitive person, very empathetic and I tend to think about things, sad things, for a very long time. Everytime I read about a crime, or watch the news, hear about someone dying. I play it over and over in my head. Like what were their last moments like, did those ppl feel pain, etc. Then I imagine that happening to me or someone I love and how I would feel. Then I get scared and sad. Then I feel scared to live in such a sick world where people can be so violent and hurtful and sick.

Just this past Saturday in the city I live an ex-bf took his ex-gf to a hotel close by where I live and where my hubby happened to used to work and he stabbed her several times in the face, neck, etc. then left her for dead (however she didn’t die) and then he went to a bridge and jumped off, killing himself. The woman got flown to Vancouver hospital and is now blind and disfigured. They had dinner together that same evening. I just can’t understand how you go from dinner to death. It terrifies me, saddens me.

I am just scared of a lot of things I guess. Right now I feel so alone in the world. So lost. I want someone to hold me tight and tell me everything is going to be fine. I want someone to be there for me to comfort me I guess. This world is scary.