Slowly Slipping…Scared

I am slipping back into my anorexia and am getting very scared. I am losing weight, my clothes are getting baggier finally and I have to admit, it feels great. I am starting to feel a tiny bit worthy again, like a somebody. I am just so scared. I don’t want to be consumed with my ED again but know that’s exactly where I am headed or in fact am. I am no longer able to do what I enjoy. I spend all my free time online looking at skinny people, checking my bmi, measuring, exercising. My anorexia is taking over. I am losing myself again. I am very scared. I don’t know how many times i can chance fate before my time is up.

I have my kids, thank god or else I think I might already be gone. I used to self harm every single day. I think had I not had kids, I probably would have killed myself already or my ED would have killed me. My therapist finally called me back and he was going to set up an appointment for tomorrow but I said no because I am too fat still….Well I told him cuz my hubby has appointments but that wasn’t the real reason. So I see him on Feb. 25th and am hoping to drop some serious weight before then. After that I see my old foster mom who is a psych nurse. I see her March 7th and I want to be skinnier then too. I know it sounds dumb but it is really hard for me to see people when I have gained weight, especially if they saw me when I was thinner. It makes me feel like a failure for them to see me with extra weight on. Does that make sense? I feel weak…out of control.

At the same time, I am scared of my ED because I know the it does kill people and that I am NOT invisible and I WOULD regret it if something were to happen to me. That’s not what i want for my life. On the other hand, I can finally see the bones on my chest. It makes me feel happy. I want my thin arms and thighs back. I want the big gap between my legs back. I need definition to my body again.