Searching for Something.
Lately, it seems there is this empty feeling inside me. I feel like there’s something I need or want to be doing but am not sure what it is exactly. I am still a stay at home mom to my 2.5 year old son, Tahir but I feel like I want to do more, like go back to school so I can have a real job. I was wanting to wait until my son is in school for me to go to school because my first priority is raising my kids. It’s just lately I feel this pushing, this need to be doing more. Just a feeling, not sure if it even means anything.
Other than that, I haven’t been on here in ages. I am kind of in recovery from my eating disorder. I have gained and maintained the weight that I am at for awhile now and am no longer seeing my therapist. He noticed I was doing better, and said that if I wanted I could just call him when I need to see him so I said ya that’s ok. But it’s been a long time since I have seen him. Although I do miss seeing him, I know I am probably better this way. It just feels kind of scary to not see him. Like I am more grown up (I have always been terribly terrified of growing up and getting older) now that I have stopped meeting with him. I feel more alone and vulnerable and unproteced in a way. Not sure that even makes any sense. But for me, not seeing a therapist is a huge step since I have been in and out of psych wards and seeing someone (psychiatrist, therapist) since I was 16 and I am now 27.
I know I do have a pattern in my recovery, as I am sure most of you do, of getting better for a bit and then slipping right back into my ED. It happens slowly and so subtly that it’s hard to notice it happening. It starts with cutting small things out of my diet than gets more and more until I am not eating at all. Right now, that is not the case, however EVERAY SECOND OF EVERY DAY, I am thinking of food, what not to eat or what to eat or if I should try to restrict more, etc, etc. It seems to me like my anorexia will never leave me alone. It’s always there taunting me. Still right now my mind is telling me I am going to try tomorrow to eat less. I tell myself this everyday. It sucks. Although I no longer weigh myself over 20 times a day, I am still doing it in the morning and at night. I feel like I have to do this or I won’t know where I am at. I just hope to God that my eating disorder stays away for good this time. Although, to be quite honest, I DO MISS MY ED TERRIBLY. I feel like it gave me a purpose, a sense of who I am, some self-worth, an identity, some comfort, power and control. I also miss being noticed by it. I know that sounds horrible, but I did like being noticed. I liked people seeing how thin I was and hoping they knew how much I hated myself when they looked at me. Anyways, enough rambling.
On another note, I volunteered in my daugther Amira’s Kindergarten class today and it was awesome. I got to read some stories to the kids and just see what it’s like in their class. It was very neat. I still can’t believe my daughter is already in school. Crazy how fast kids grow up. I make it a point each day of telling myself I am lucky to have my kids, that they are healthy and with me. I also remind myself that nobody is gauranteed tomorrow and this helps me be grateful and appreciate and make the most of each day. I jsut love my kids to death and honestly, they are what keep me fighting this ED. If it weren’t for them, I would have surrendered and let my ED take over. But I love my kids more than my ED and I will fight until the end to be healthy and strong for them….I LOVE YOU AMIRA AND TAHIR> You both are my life.