Saw my Therapist

So, I saw my therapist again today. The meeting was ok, I guess. He wasn’t too pleased with the fact that I didn’t make another appointment with the GP. He said I need to be monitored medically because I am in the RED ZONE>…I told him I don’t need to see a doctor but he said that we have to address that issue because he just can’t say it’s ok for me not to see someone when I am in the RED ZONE…He said anything could happen and that I need to be monitored.

He suggested that I go to St. Paul’s Hospital for their intensive 4 week inpatient program. He said before he asked me that he knew I would say no but just wanted to throw it out there and put the idea in my head. He knows my in-laws are coming to stay so he said now would be a great time. I definately won’t go. I definately would go if I didn’t have kids. But I could never leave my kids. I don’t trust anyone else to take care of them and the whole time I would be gone I would just be feeling guilty about being away and anxious, wondering if they missed me and needed me or cried for me. I put our son to bed for his naps and at night and he still nurses. He screams if anyone else tries to put him to bed. And wouldn’t I be breaking our "bond" if I just up and left him. I couldn’t do that. I just need to be strong enough to change on my own. I should be able to do it. It should be easy. I wish I would have went to an ED inpatient program however when I didn’t have kids. We had considered it before when my ED was bad, before i had kids, but nothing came of it. Not sure what happened there. I wish someone would have pushed me into it then, but not NOW. Not now that I have 2 kids to look after who need me. I know that sounds hypocritical since my ED technically would be taking me away from my kids if something were to happen. But honestly, I do feel physically ok and have binged the last couple nights so I don’t even consider myself anorexic anymore. I consider myself and normal, fat outta control person.

My body feels fine. I don’t think anything will happen to me, not anytime soon anyways. Also, I will have to eat more when Tanvir’s parents come here. So I was be a fat pig. I told my therapist I don’t even want to see him when I gain weight. He’s like well that’s the whole point of seeing me, so you can be ok with your body and everything and we can work through it. He suggested I see the psychiatrist that works at the ED clinic. He said she is really nice and could maybe offer up some ideas for helping me. He said he would let the issue of medical supervision slide for now, since my in-laws are coming and I will be gaining weight but that we will need to address it after they leave, if the issue is still there. That comment just made me feel horrible for some reason. I feel like maybe now he’s not as concerned about me. Cuz then when he was making our next appointment he said he overbooked for next week so he booked me an appointment for two weeks from now. He then said aloud that he didn’t want me to think he wasn’t concerned about me cuz he is not seeing me in a week. It’s like he read my mind. But I really do think he is not as concerned because this is the second time I will have been booked for an appointment 2 weeks later. It upsets me for some dumb reason.

We figured out today that I use my ED to hide from my emotions. Really. But now that I will be gaining weight I feel scared. Scared that my therapist won‘t see me as often, won’t be concerned, etc. That’s why I hate recovery. It’s like everyone pushes u aside. Instead of seeing you every week, cuz they’re concerned, it goes to every 2 weeks, then maybe every month. I hate that. I makes me want to stay sick. Because, even though it may seem I am improving, my mind is still a mess and I still need my therapist. I don’t want to get better for fear I will lose my therapist. I want his concern, his caring. But at the same time, I can’t kill myself just to experience a bit of caring from someone. I think I will be stuck in a cycle of gain and lose for a LONG time. Because I can’t see myself being ok with tight clothes, fat on my body, my period back, etc. I can’t see my therapist about an ED when I am fat. Man, am I ever messed up. It’s Friday night and I had decided last night that I would watch a movie tonight and snack, but seeing as how I ate earlier, I am not really that hungry (not sure what hunger feels like anymore actually), so I don’t know if I should have some popcorn. Do I need it? Do I want it? Should I just restrict? Shoud I even watch the damn movie since I can’t make up my mind? Man, such trivial matters cause me such distress. ARGGH. What to do…It’s a good thing we don’t have junk in the house. So nothing I binge on will be very fattening. Since I usually just end up eating popcorn, bran flakes with skim milk and splenda or puffed wheat with the same or cream of wheat without milk and just splenda, sometimes a granola or nutrigrain bar. Yay, doesn’t sound too exciting. Anyways, hope you all are well. Sure looks like I had a lot to write tonight. Didn’t think I had much to say, but I guess I did.